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This is for Joains and friends over at the Shatner BBS.  It doesn't really fit with the whole paintball tank bit so it's kind of hidden.  I think I got most of them.  I only went through the topics started by Joains so if anyone knows one I missed let me know.  I didn't think these should be lost when the board gets upgraded so here's what I could find.

I added 'Wildfire' by Peg.  Also pulled the hover buttons on the left, hoping that will prevent Nighthawks computer from locking up.  I'm not sure if they're the culprit but this page is now only text and a single picture.

As far as I can tell this is the first song.

We need a Song to Sing

Posted by Joains on 9-13-2002

 How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man
How many seas must the white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand
Yes, and how many times must the cannonballs fly
Before they are forever banned
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

Yes, and how many years can a mountain exist
Before it washed to the sea
Yes, and how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free
Yes, and how many times can a man turn his head
And pretend that he just doesn't see
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

Yes, and how many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky
Yes, and how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry
Yes, and how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind

Yes, and how many UN mandates must be broken
Before he is stopped
and how many WMD's must he use
before his thoughts are known
and how many times do we ask
before everyone opens their eyes
The answer my friend was blowing in the wind
but now it is so hard to see
It is so hard to see....
That answer my friend......

Dave’s response

 I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing
===================================
I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love.
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves.

That's the song I hear,
Let the world sing today
A song of peace that echoes on
And never goes away.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company

That's the song I hear....

I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills
For peace throughout the land.

That's the song I hear....

~Dave

 

2 Ripped Shirts

Sung to the tune:
Torn Between Two Lovers

-Artist: Mary MacGregor
-peak Billboard position # 1 in 1976-77
-Words and Music by Peter Yarrow (of Peter, Paul , and Mary) and Phil Jarrel
-re-written by Joains

There are times when a woman has to say what's on her mind
Even though she knows how much it's gonna hurt
Before I say another word let me tell you I love you
Let me hold you close and say these words as gently as I can

There's been another one that I've needed and I've loved
But that doesn't mean I love you less
And both know you can't possess me and know you never will
There's just this empty place inside of me that only you both can fill

CHORUS
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
one green, one gold , thankGod you don't wear blue
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules

You mustn't think you've failed me just because there's someone else
You were the first real love I ever had
And all the things I ever said, I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you

CHORUS
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
one green, one gold , thankGod you don't wear blue
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules

I couldn't really blame you if you turned and walked away
But with everything I feel inside, I'm asking you to stay

CHORUS
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
one green, one gold , thankGod you don't wear blue
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules

Torn between two ripped shirts
one gold, the other green
FADE
Feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules

 

50 Ways

 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
Paul Simon
- words and music by Paul Simon
--adpated by Joains


The problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to rip his shirt

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to rip his shirt
Fifty ways to rip your shirt Jim

You just rip out the back, Jim
Make a new plan, T'Stan
You don't need to be coy, McCoy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, K'lus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Dee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she showed me this BBS and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to rip his shirt
Fifty ways to rip Kirk's shirt

You just rip out the back, Jim
Make a new plan, K'Stan
You don't need to be coy, McCoy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, K'lus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Dee
And get yourself free

 

Addicted to Trek

 ...your addicted to Trek

Sung to the tune: ADDICTED TO LOVE
Robert Palmer and Joains

Your TV is on, but family not home
Your mind is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
Another away mission is what it takes

You can't sleep, you can't eat
There's no doubt, you're in deep
Your throat is tight, you can't breathe
Another ripped shirt is all you need

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to trek

You see the signs, but you can't read
You're runnin' at a warp speed
Your heart beats in time warp time
Another mission and you'll be mine, a one track mind

You can't be saved
Oblivion is all you crave
If there's some left for you
You don't mind if you do

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to trek

Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek

------ lead guitar ------

Your TV is are on, but your family not home
Your will is not your own
You're heart sweats and teeth grind
Another episode and you'll be mine

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to trek

Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek

 

After Star Trek

 Sung to the tune: After Midnight
Eric Clapton and Joains

- Peak Position #18 on 11/14/70

After startrek, we're gonna let them all beam down
After startrek, we're gonna over-load a phaser and shout
We're gonna stimulate some action
We're gonna get some satisfaction
We're gonna find out what it is all about
After startrek, we're gonna all beam down

After startrek, we're gonna send you to the medical bay
After startrek, it's all gonna be ripped shirts and play
We're gonna cause talk and suspiction
We're gonna give an exhibition
We're gonna find out what it is all about
After startrek, we're all gonna beam down

After startrek, we're all gonna beam hang down

REPEAT SECOND VERSE

After startrek, we're all gonna beam down
After startrek, we're gonna let you beam down
After startrek, we're gonna let you beam down
After startrek, we're all gonna beam down

 

One for Vito

 Just for fun........


Don't Go Breaking My Heart or Toilet
Duet: Vito and his dream girl
Written by Ann Orson and Carte Blanche
and Joains


Don't go breaking my toilet
I couldn't if I tried
Honey if I get gas
Baby you're not that kind

Don't go breaking my toilet
You take the weight off me
Honey when you knock on my bathroom door
I gave you my reading material

Nobody knows it
When I was down
I was your clown
Nobody knows it
Right from the start
I gave you my restroom
I gave you my restroom

So don't go breaking my toilet
I won't go breaking your toilet
Don't go breaking my toilet

And nobody told us
`Cause nobody showed us
And now it's up to us babe
I think we can make it

So don't misunderstand me
You put the water in my bath
You put the paper on my roll
I've got your toilet in my sights

 

Bored Stiff

Sung to the tune of Born Free
by Roger Williams and Joains


Bored stiff, as stiff as 1950's high hair
As still as the dead grass grows
Bored stiff to follow your stomach

Bored stiff free and food surrounds you
The world still astounds you
Each time you look at a cheesecake

Bored stiff, where no refrigator can stop you
You're borede as the housefly
So there's no need to hide

Bored Stiff, and food is worth eating
But only worth a cheesburger
'cause you're bored stiff

 

Added later in the thread

 THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING
Nancy Sinatra

You keep saying you got something for me
Something you call love but confess
You've been a'messin' where you shouldn't 've been a'messin'
And now someone else is getting all your best
Well, these boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

You keep lyin' when you oughta be truthin'
You keep losing when you oughta not bet
You keep samin' when you oughta be a'changin'
What's right is right but you ain't been right yet
These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

LEADBREAK

You keep playing where you shouldn't be playing
And you keep thinking that you'll never get burnt (HAH)
Well, I've just found me a brand new box of matches (YEAH)
And what he knows you ain't had time to learn
These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

SPOKEN

Are you ready, boots?
Start walkin'

 Also

 that should read spooky baby spooky

In the cool of the evenin' when ev'rything is gettin' kind of groovy
I call you up and ask you if you'd like to go with me and see a movie
First you say "No", you've got some plans for the night
And then you stop, and say, "All right"
Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you.

You always keep me guessin', I never seem to know what you are thinkin'
And if some fellow looks at you, it's for sure your little eye will be a-winkin'
I get confused, 'cause I don't know where I stand
And then you smile, and hold my hand
Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you
Spooky! Spooky! Yeah - yeah



If you decide someday to stop this little game that you are playin'
I'm gonna tell you all that my heart's been a-dyin' to be sayin'
Just like a ghost, you've been a-hauntin' my dreams
So I'll propose... on Halloween.
Baby, love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you

Ah, spooky, yeah-uh!

 

Borg Queen

 Sung to DANCING QUEEN
Abba and Joains

You can asimulate, you can recharge, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Borg Queen

Friday night and the lights are low
Looking out for the place to go
Where they play the right music, getting in the swing
You come in to look for a Picard King
Rikker could not be that guy
Night is young and the music's high
With a bit of technology, everything is fine
You're in the mood for a alcove
And when you get the chance...

You are the Borg Queen, young and grey, only
drones are seen
Borg Queen, feel the beat from the warp core
You can inject nanites, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Borg Queen

You're a teaser, you turn 'em on
Leave them burning and then you're gone
Looking out for another, anyone will do
You're in the mood for a whole new race
And when you get the chance...

You are the Borg Queen, young and grey, only drones can be seen
Borg Queen, feel the heat from the cube
You can asimulate while having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Borg Queen

 

Cheering Dave up thread

 God Bless America
John Williams & Boston Pops Orchestra
Music & Lyrics : Irving Berlin - Arr. Glenn Osser
Notes : Written for the 1918 soldier revue
"Yip, Yip, Yaphank" but deleted from the show
and shelved until 1938 when it was recorded by Kate Smith

God bless America, land that I love
Stand beside her and guide her
Through the night with the light from above

From the mountains to the prairies
To the oceans white with foam
God bless America, my home sweet home

From the mountains to the prairies
To the oceans white with foam
God bless America, my home sweet home
God bless America, my home sweet home

Joains

 God save the King/Queen

Melody - Text & tune may date back to the 17th century

first publicly performed in London, 1745
1. God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us;
God save the Queen!

2. O Lord our God arise,
Scatter her enemies
And make them fall;
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On Thee our hopes we fix,
God save us all!

3. Thy choicest gifts in store
On her be pleased to pour;
Long may she reign;
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice,
God save the Queen!
4. Not in this land alone,
But be God's mercies known,
From shore to shore!
Lord make the nations see,
That men should brothers be,
And form one family,
The wide world over.

5. From every latent foe,
From the assassins blow,
God save the Queen!
O'er her thine arm extend,
For Britain's sake defend,
Our mother, prince, and friend,
God save the Queen!

6. Lord grant that Marshal Wade
May by thy mighty aid
Victory bring.
May he sedition hush,
And like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush.
God save the King!


Joains (EOE always)

CaptJTK

And since Bill is Canadian:

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Ô Canada!
Terre de nos aïeux,
Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!
Car ton bras sait porter l'épée,
Il sait porter la croix!
Ton histoire est une épopée
Des plus brillants exploits.
Et ta valeur, de foi trempée,
Protégera nos foyers et nos droits,
Protégera nos foyers et nos droits.

 Peg

 for Claudia:

"La Marseillaise"

Allons enfants de la patrie,
Le jour de gloire est arrivé
Contre nous de la tyrannie
L'étendard sanglant est levé
Entendez vous dans les campagnes,
Mugir ces féroces soldats?
Ils viennent jusque dans nos bras
Egorger nos fils, nos compagnes!


Aux armes, citoyens!
Formez vos bataillons!
Marchons! Marchons!
Qu'un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons!

Amour sacré de la patrie,
Conduis, soutiens nos bras vengeurs!
Liberté, Liberté cherie,
Combats avec tes defenseurs!
Sous nos drapeaux, que la victoire
Accoure à tes males accents!
Que tes ennemis expirants
Voient ton triomphe et notre gloire!

Nous entrerons dans la carrière
Quand nos ainés n'y seront plus;
Nous y trouverons leur poussière
Et la trace de leurs vertus.
Bien moins jaloux de leur survivre
Que de partager leur cercueil,
Nous aurons le sublime orgueil
De les venger ou de les suivre!

 

CRAZY FOR SADDAM 

Patsy Cline
Written by Willie Nelson and Joains

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so gulible
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so UN blue
I knew you'd lie to me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd lie to me for somebody else too

Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wond'ring what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my inspectors could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying

And I'm crazy for lying for you
Crazy for thinking that my inspectors could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for lying for you

 

Enterprise on my TV

Sung to the tune: SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDERS
John Denver
Words by John Denver; Music by John Denver, Mike Taylor and Dick Kniss
Adapted for this BBS by Joains

Enterprise on my TV makes me happy
Enterprise in trouble can make me cry
Enterprise in the sky looks so lovely
Enterprise almost always makes me high

If I had a holideck that I could give you
I'd replicate the day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I'd sing a song to make you feel this way

Enterprise on my TV makes me happy
Enterprise in trouble can make me cry
Enterprise in the sky looks so lovely
Enterprise almost always makes me high

If they had a tale that they could tell you
I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
I'd make a wish for Enterprise all the while

Enterprise on my TV makes me happy
Enterprise in trouble can make me cry
Enterprise in the sky looks so lovely
Enterprise almost always makes me high

 

For Roxy and Astrogirl

If You Could Read My Mind
Gordon Lightfoot and Joains

Sung by the 'Captain'

If you could read my mind love,
what a tale my thoughts can't face.
Just like an old time movie
about a captain from outer space.
In a shuttle small or a starship strong
with chains upon my chest.
You know that captain is me
and I will never be set free
as long as I'm a captain that you can see.


If I could read your mind love,
what a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
the kind that StarTrek sells.
When you reach the part where the heartaches
come the hero would be me.
Heroes never fail.
And you will read that book again
because the endings just to good to miss.


I walk away like a ensign
who gets burned in a nuetron star.
Enter number two, a borg queen
to play the scene of bringing all the good things out in me,
but for now love lets be real.


I never thought I could act this way
and I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went right
but the feelings strong and I have to let it take flight.

If you could read my mind love,
what a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie about a captain from outer space.
In a shuttle small or a starship strong
with no shirt upon my chest the story always ends.
And if you read between the lines
you'll know that I'm just trying to understand
the feeling that you left.

I never thought I could feel this way
and I got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went right
but the feelings strong
and I have to let it take flight.

 

He's Dead Jim

HELLO, DOLLY! or He's Dead Jim
Joains with Louis Armstrong
Words and Music by: Jerry Herman & Joains

He's dead Jim
Well, quite dead Jim
It's so nice to have the dead back where they belong
You're lookin' swell, Jim
I can tell, Dave
You're still glowin', you're still crowin'
You're still goin' strong
I feel my knees swayin'
While the band's playin'
One of your old favourite songs from way back when

So, take his Shirt, girls
Find him an empty lap, girls
Jim , he will never be dead again

He's dead, Jim
Well, I lied Jim
It's so nice to have shirtless like you belong
You're lookin' swell, Jim
I can still tell, Dave
You're still glowin', you're still rippin'
You're still goin' strong
I feel my lips hopin'
While the band's playin'
One of your old favourite songs from way back when

Golly, gee, girls
Find him a vacant knee, girls
put him in my lap girls
Jo will make sure he not cold girls
Jim'll never go away
Jim'll never go away
Jim'll never go away again

 

HONKY TONK CAPTAIN

The Rolling Stones
(Mick Jagger/Keith Richards/joains)

He met a gin-soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis
She tried to take him upstairs for a ride
She had to heave him right across shoulder
'Cause he just can't seem to drink you off my mind

It's the Honky Tonk Captain
Gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk blues

He laid a divorcée in New York City
He had to put up some kind of a fight
The lady then she covered him with roses
She blew his nose and then she blew his mind

It's the Honky Tonk Captain
Gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk blues
It's the Honky Tonk Captain
Gimme, gimme...
Alright!

It's the Honky Tonk Captain
Gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk blues
Yeah, it's the Honky Tonk Captain
Gimme, gimme...

 

I Can See Clearly Now

By Joains with Johnny Nash

I can see clearly now, the shirt is gone,
I can see all sighs he makes in my eyes
Gone are the tunic tops that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Shirtless day.

I think I can make it now, the shirts are gone
All of the gold colors have disappeared
Here is the smooth skin I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Shirtless day.

Look all around, there’s nothin’ but smooth skin
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but smooth skin

I can see clearly now, the shirt is gone,
I can see all slight sighs he makes my way
Gone are the gold tunics that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Shirtless day.

 

JIM KIRK EYES

 BETTE DAVIS EYES or JIM KIRK EYES
KIM CARNES AND JOAINS

His hair is dark brown, his lips sweet surprise
His hands are never cold, he's got Jim Kirk eyes

He'll turn the music on you, you won't have to think twice
He's pure as space snow, he got Jim Kirk eyes

And he'll tease you, he'll seize you
All the better just to please you
He's precocious, and he knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
He got Mr. Spock's standoff sighs, he's got Jim Kirk eyes

He'll let you take him home, it works his appetite
He'll lay you on the throne, he got Jim Kirk eyes

He'll take caress you, roll you like you were dice
Until you come out true, he's got Jim Kirk eyes

He'll thrill you, when he grabs you
Hope you're pleased with the crumbs he throws you
He's ferocious and he knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
All the klingons think he's a spy, he's got Jim Kirk eyes

And he'll please you, he'll ease you
All the better just to kiss you
He's precocious, and he knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
All the klingons think he's a spy, he's got Bill's sparkling eyes...

 

Jims Kirk Sueinbrum and Bong

 done in jest only---laugh and don't take it serious please....

Sung to the tune:
Abraham, Martin, and John

-Artist: Dion from "WRKO Hall Of fame Golden Album"-Post 7101
-peak Billboard position # 4 in 1968
-Words and Music by Richard Holler
-adapted by Joains

Anybody here seen my old friend Jim's Kirk?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He debated lotta people but it seems the liberal they stop short
You know I just looked around and he's gone

Anybody here seen my old friend Bong?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He questioned lotta people but it seems the questions die young
I just looked around and he's gone


Anybody here seen my old friend Sue?
Can you tell me where she's gone?
She taught lotta people but it seems the liberal
they all stop short
I just looked around and she's gone

Didn't you love the things that they stood for?
Didn't they try to find some good for you and me?
And we'll be free
Some day soon, it's gonna be one day

Anybody here seen my old friends?
Can you tell me where they have gone?
I think I saw Dave walkin' up over the hill
With Jim's Kirk, Sueinbrum, and Bong

 

Joains Lists

 The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:

10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green
Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and
torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew
while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J.
Hooker and Captain Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that
the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
calculated for the planet Vulcan.

TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE

10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."

TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHABLE HEAD

20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk.
19. The ball in Parisis' Squares.
18. Hood ornament for shuttlecraft.
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet.
16. Scare blind students in Braille class.
15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews.
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum.
13. Footstool for Captain's chair.
12. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show.
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores.
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline Entity as gag gift.
9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank.
8. Send to Starfleet Android Research Center, so they can "get a head" in
research.
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards.
6. Two words: tether ball!
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking.
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet.
3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be "Head of the Class."
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time.
And the number one use for Data's detatchable head...
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life
insurance policy.

SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:

1. Saying "Make it so" in casual conversation.
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and
tritanium.
3. Ability to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
excessive thought first.
4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer.
5. Have figured out the stardate system.
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra.
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol.
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams.
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The
Omega Glory."
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes.
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface.
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments.
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
Enterprise from the Franklin Mint.
14. Understanding Klingon.
15. Lecturing a science professor on how transporters work.
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it.
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
dramatic stylistics.
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences
in Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
19. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers.
20. You spend all your free time playing on the IRC #startrek channel,
like a giant geek.

**20 Things that never happen in Star Trek**

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are
all perfectly alright.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny
hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which
the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some candy.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
everyone is happy all of the time.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which >
is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and
isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves
out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley
Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being
able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences
that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...Enjoy!

10. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on
the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a
shuttlecraft.
8. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge.
7. Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead.
6. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
life-forms.
5. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick
Hertz is there.
4. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
REAL Picard Maneuver."
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the
Neutral Zone by asking, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
2. Telling crewmembers in menacing Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead. Make it so."
1. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
beams back up.

Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:

9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft.
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data.
7. Giving Worf a nuggie.
6. Ordering a pizza from Domino's, then going 30 minutes into the future
just to piss them off. (Ha ha! Free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals.
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during
self-destruct sequence.
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression.
2. Calling down to the transporter room, and asking if they've beamed
aboard Prince Albert in a can.
1. Tribble sex!

 

Kennedy Daschel and Gore

done in jest only---laugh and don't take it serious please....

Sung to the tune:
Abraham, Martin, and John

-Artist: Dion from "WRKO Hall Of fame Golden Album"-Post 7101
-peak Billboard position # 4 in 1968
-Words and Music by Richard Holler
-adapted by Joains

Anybody here seen my old friend Kennedy?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He debated lotta people but it seems the liberal they stop short
You know I just looked around and he's gone

Anybody here seen my old friend Gore?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He questioned lotta people but it seems the questions die young
I just looked around and he's gone


Anybody here seen my old friend Daschel?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He taught lotta people but it seems the liberal
they all stop short
I just looked around and he's gone

Didn't you love the things that they stood for?
Didn't they try to find some good for you and me?
And we'll be free
Some day soon, it's gonna be one day

Anybody here seen my old friends?
Can you tell me where they have gone?
I think I saw Jims' Kirk walkin' up over the hill
With Kennedy, Daschel, and Gore

 

Kirk is a

 Centerfold
The J. Geils Band
sung and adapted by Joains

Does he walk? Does he talk?
Does he come complete?
My home star trek captain
Always pulled me to the edge my seat

He was neverpure like snowflakes
No one could ever complain
The memory of my Captain
Could never cause me pain

Years go by I'm lookin' through a scifi magazine
And there's my starship Captain on the pages in-between

CHORUS
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My captain is the centerfold
Captain is the centerfold
(Repeat)

Slipped me posts on the BBS
While I was thinkin' about my dress
I was shy I turned away
Before he caught my eye

I was shakin' in my shoes
Whenever he flashed those baby-blues
Something had a hold on me
When a Bill post passed close by

Those soft and fuzzy words
Too magical to speak
Too see him in that ripped shirt
It just can not be beat.

Chorus

It's okay I understand
This ain't no never-never land
I hope that when this issue's gone
I'll see you on that bridge again

Take you ship, Yes we will
We'll take your ship and fly it
We'll take it to one of Jupiter's moons
And rip that shirt in private

A part of me has just been ripped
The pages from my mind are stripped
Oh no, I can't deny it
Oh yea, I guess I gotta buy it!

CHORUS

 

Lyrics in Pocket

 BRASS IN POCKET
The Pretenders
Sung by Joains

I got lyrics in pocket
Got free time, I'm gonna use it.
Intention
I feel inventive,
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

Got lotion, free flowing lotion.
I been spreading uh, Captain teaseing.
No reason, just seems so pleasing.
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

(CHORUS)

Gonna use my arms,
Gonna use my legs,
Gonna use my free time,
Gonna use my song lyrics-
Gonna use my fingers.
Gonna use my, my, my, imagination.

Cause I going make you see-- there's nobody else here
No one like me.
I'm special, so special.
I got to have some of your attention, give it to me!
I got rhythm, I can't miss a beat.
I got-a new song to sing.
Got something. I'm winking at you,
Gonna make you, make you notice.

Gonna use my arms,
Gonna use my legs,
Gonna use re-touched lyrics,
Gonna use my time on the BBS
Gonna use my fingers, gon' use my my my imagination.

Oh .. cause I gonna make you see
there's nobody else here, no one like me.
I'm special, so special.
I got to have some of your attention, give it to me!
'Cause I gonna make you see
there's nobody else here, no one like me,
I'm special, so special.
I got to have some of your attention, give it to me.
Ooooooooo, Ooooooooo. oh Ooooooo

 

Mama Told Me

 Sung to: Mama Told Me (Not to Come)
Three Dog Night

- words and music by Randy Newman with Joains
- #1 hit for Three Dog Night in 1970


Want some whiskey in your water?
Sugar in your tea?
What's all these crazy questions they're askin' me?
This is the craziest starship that could ever be
Don't turn on the lights 'cause I don't wanna see

Mama told me not to rip
Mama told me not to rip
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"

Open up the force field, let some air into this room
I think I'm almost chokin' from the smell of Joains perfume
And that phaser you're holdin' 'bout scare me half to death
Open up those hailing frequenies, sucker, let me catch my breath

Mama told me not to rip
Mama told me not to rip
"That ain't the way to have fun, James"
"That ain't the way to have fun, James"

The deflector shield is blastin', someone's throwin' beer cans at the viewscreen
I'm lookin' at peg and Claudia- she's passed out on the floor
I seen so many things I ain't never seen before
Don't know what it is - I don't wanna see no more

Mama told me not to rip
Mama told me not to rip
She said, "That ain't the way to have fun, James"
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"

"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That ain't the way to have fun, James T"
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That ain't the way to have fun, James"

"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That ain't the way to have fun, Spock"
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That ain't the way to have fun, Spock"

  Response for Vito’s (not to come) ques.

 vito---you can ask.....Alfie


Alfie
Cher/Dionne Warwick

What's it all about, Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie?
Are we meant to take more than we give
or are we meant to be kind?
And if only fools are kind, Alfie,
then I guess it's wise to be cruel.
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie,
what will you lend on an old golden rule?
As sure as I believe there's a heaven above, Alfie,
I know there's something much more,
something even non-believers can believe in.
I believe in love, Alfie.
Without true love we just exist, Alfie.
Until you find the love you've missed you're nothing, Alfie.
When you walk let your heart lead the way
and you'll find love any day, Alfie, Alfie.

 

May be the Best Yet

 Sung to the song...TAXI
by Harry Chapin
and adapted by Joains

It was raining over 'Frisco,
I needed one more shuttle trip to make my night.
A man up ahead commed me down,
He got in at the light.
Oh, where you going to, in starfleet blue,
It's a shame you ruined your shirt in the rain.
He just looked out the window, and said
"One StarFleet Lane".
Something about him was familiar
I could swear I'd seen his face before,
But he said, "I'm get that alot"
And he didn't say anything more.
It took a while, but he looked in the mirror,
And he glanced at the license for my name.
A smile seemed to come to him slowly,
It was a sad smile, just the same.
And he said, "How are you Jo?"
I said, "How are you Jim?
Through the too many miles
and the too little smiles
I still remember you."
It was somewhere in a fairy tale,
I used to take him home in my car.
We learned about spaceflight togehter,
The lesson hadn't gone too far.
You see, he was gonna be an actor,
And I was gonna learn to fly.
But I took off to find the footlights,
And he took off to find the sky.
Oh, I've got something inside me,
To drive a captain blind.
There's a wild woman, enchantress,
She's hiding in me, illuminating my mind.
Oh, I've got something inside me,
Not what my life's about,
Cause I've been letting my outside tide me,
Over 'till my time, runs out.
Baby's so high that she's skying,
Yes she's flying, afraid to fall.
I'll tell you why baby's crying,
Cause she's dying, aren't we all.
There was not much more for us to talk about,
Whatever we had once was gone.
So I turned my shuttle to the landing pad,
Past the worm hole and the fine trimmed cadets.
And he said we must get together,
But I knew it'd never be arranged.
And he handed me twenty credits,
For a free ride, he said
"Jo, keep the change."
Well another woman might have been angry,
And another woman might have been hurt,
But another woman never would have let him go...
I stashed the bill and reached out and ripped his shirt.
And he walked away in silence,
It's strange, how you never know,
But we'd both gotten what we'd asked for,
Such a long, long time ago.
You see, he was gonna be an actor
And I was gonna learn to fly.
But I took off to find the footlights,
And he took off for the sky.
And here, I'm acting happy,
Inside my pretty shuttle.
And him, he's flying his starship,
Taking trips, and getting more shirts ripped,
And I got the lamplight when I'm done.

 

Added to thread by Peg

 Hope you don't mind me sticking this in
here, but your song reminded me of this one.
And someone here posted it and somehow I got
the idea that it was "Kirk's Song".
It's the theme from "Enterprise"....one of the
best things about that show, I think....plus
their montage at the beginning....

Faith of the Heart

It´s been a long road, getting from there to here.
It´s been a long time, but my time is finally near.
And I can feel the change in the wind right now. Nothing´s in my way.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they're not gonna hold me down.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

It´s been a long night. Trying to find my way.
Been through the darkness. Now I finally have my day.
And I will see my dream come alive at last. I will touch the sky.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they're not gonna change my mind.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

I´ve known the wind so cold, I´ve seen the darkest days.
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change.
I´ve been through the fire and I´ve been through the rain.
But I´ll be fine ...


Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.


Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

 

It’s a Nice Day for a Ripped Shirt

 For Dave and the younger ladies around here...

Sung to: WHITE WEDDING
Billy Idol and Joains

Hey little sister what have you done
Hey little sister who's the only one
Hey little sister who's your captain
Hey little sister who's the one you want
Hey little sister phasergun

It's a nice day to start again
It's a nice day for a ripped shirt
It's a nice day to start again

Hey little sister who is it you're with
Hey little sister what's your captain wish
Hey little sister phasergun oh yeah
Hey little sister who's your captain
Hey little sister phasergun

It's a nice day to start again
It's a nice day for a kirk ripped shirt
It's a nice day to start again

Pick it up
Take me back home yeah

Hey little sister what have you done
Hey little sister who's the only one (only one)
I've been away for so long (so long)
I've been away for so long (so long)
I let you go for so long

It's a nice day to start again
Come on it's a nice day for a ripped shirt
It's a nice day to start again, wow

There is nothing fair in this world
There is nothing safe in this world
and there's nothing sure in this world
And there's nothing pure in this world
Look for something left in this world
Start again come one

It's a nice day for a ripped shirt
Wow, it's a nice day to look at that chest
It's a nice day to start again

 

One for Claudia

 Memory
Joains with Barbra Streisand
Music & Lyrics : A. Lloyd Webber - T. S. Eliot - T. Nunn
Notes : From "Cats" - From the album "Memories"

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has Claudia lost her memory
She is smiling alone
In the bridgelight
The ripped shirts collect at her feet
And the Captain begins to moan
Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can dream of away missions
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory of Kirk live again
Every sensor scan seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
McCoys mutters and the deflector sputters
Soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of Kirk and
I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale court smell of morning
A viewscreen blimp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning
Let him touch me,
It is so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If Kirk will touch me,
He will understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun...

 

One for Peg to sing

 On A Clear Day You Can See Forever
Recorded by Peg
Words by Alan Jay Lerner and Joains
Music by Burton Lane


Title song from the Broadway show
And the film starring Barbra Streisand and Yves Montand (unforgettable as he
sang Come Back to Me" while standing on a parking garage roof)


On a clear day, rise and look around you
And you'll see who's shirt you have
On a clear day how it will astound you
That the glow of his naked chest outshines every star

You'll feel part of ev'ry mountain, sea, and shore
You can hear from far and near a world you've never heard before

And on a clear day, on that clear day
You can see him shirtless,forever and ever more


You can hear from far and near a world you've never heard before

And on that clear day, on that clear day
You can see him shirtless,forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and evermore!

 

One for Sefy

Bei Mir Bist Du Schön
- words by Jacob Jacobs, Sammy Cahn and Saul Chaplin, music by Sholom Secunda
The Andrews Sisters by Sammy Cahn within a couple of days of the Nov 24, 1937 recording

Of all the boys I've known, and I've known some
Until I first met you, I was lonesome
And when you came in sight, dear, my heart grew light
And this old world seemed new to me

You're really swell, I have to admit you
Deserve expressions that really fit you
And so I've racked my brain, hoping to explain
All the things that you do to me

Bei mir bist du schön, please let me explain
Bei mir bist du schön means you're grand
Bei mir bist du schön, again I'll explain
It means you're the fairest in the land

I could say "Bella, bella", even say "Voonderbar"
Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are

I've tried to explain, bei mir bist du schön
So kiss me and say you understand

Bei mir bist du schön, you've heard it all before
but let me try to explain
Bei mir bist du schön means that you're grand
Bei mir bist du schön, it's such an old refrain
and yet I should explain
It means I am begging for your hand

I could say "Bella, bella", even say "Voonderbar"
Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are

------ instrumental break ------

I could say "Bella, bella", even say "Voonderbar"
Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are

I've tried to explain, bei mir bist du schön
So kiss me and say that you will understand

"Bei Mir Bist Du Schön" means "To Me, You Are Beautiful"

How is my Yiddish?

 

One for Spudgun

 My Way....or Spud's Way

Vocals by Spudgun
Writer(s): Revaux/Francois/Anka/Joains
Notes : First performing by "Claude Francois" ("Comme d'habitude").
Translate and arranged by "Paul Anka" for "Franck Sinatra".

And now, Shatner is quite near;
And so I face the first curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry BBS way;
But more, much more than this,
I did it Spud's way.

Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it posted without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the internet way,
But more, much more than this,
I did it Spud's way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and typed it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it Spud's way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it Spud's way".

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it Spud's way!

 

One for the Captain and the Ladies

 Escape (The Ripped Shirt Song)
Rupert Holmes and Joains

I was tired of my TV
I'd been watching too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while it lay there off
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read

"If you like ripped shirts
And getting caught in the rain
If you're into star trek
If you have more than half a brain
If you'd like watching TV at midnight
In the covers of the bed
Then I'm the show that you've looked for
Write to me he said."

I didn't think about my TV
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my new TV
Have fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet
I thought it wasn't half bad

"Yes I like Star Trek
And getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into ripped shirts
but I would not complain
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red-tape
At a bar called The Federation
Where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes
And he walked in the place
I knew his smile in an instant
I knew the curve of his face
It was my own lovely captain
And he said, "Oh it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment
And he said, "I never knew."

That you like ripped shirts
Getting caught in the transporter
And the feel of the space dock
And the taste of green ale over ice
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the halls of the engineering
You're the lady I've looked for
Come with me and escape

 

One for Vito – not a song

 

 "Sewage... the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the starpot Sanitize;
Its mission: to explode strange new turds;
To snake out new pipes, and new sanitizations;
To bowldly clean where no one has cleaned before!

 

Perk up Dave Song

 Philadelphia Freedom
Elton John
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin

I used to be a rolling stone
You know if the cause was right
I'd leave to find the answer on the road
I used to be a heart beating for someone
But the times have changed
The less I say the more my work gets done

`Cause I live and breathe this Philadelphia freedom
From the day that I was born I've waved the flag
Philadelphia freedom took me knee-high to a man
Yeah gave me peace of mind my daddy never had

Oh Philadelphia freedom shine on me, I love you
Shine a light through the eyes of the ones left behind
Shine a light shine a light
Shine a light won't you shine a light
Philadelphia freedom I love you, yes I do

If you choose to you can live your life alone
Some people choose the city
Some others choose the good old family home
I like living easy without family ties
Till the whippoorwill of freedom zapped me
Right between the eyes


(I think I hit him right in his patriotism)

 

PM B Goode

By Chuck Berry with Joains
Vocals by Joains


Way down Louisiana close to New Orleans,
Way back up in the woods among the evergreens...
There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood,
Where lived a BBS poster named PM 007...
He learned to type or write so well,
But he could play the drums like ringing a bell.

Go Go
Go PM Go
Go Go
PM007 Be good

He use to carry his drums and lay down a track
And sit beneath the trees by the railroad track.
Oh, the engineers used to see him on his computer in the shade,
Playing to the rhythm that the drivers made.
People passing by would stop and say
Oh my that shatner poster could play

His agent told him someday he would be the man,
And he would be the leader of a big old band.
Many people coming from miles around
To hear him play his music and type til the sun go down
Maybe someday his name would be in lights
Saying PM 007 B. Goode tonight.

 

PM007 Naked Times - not a song

 !!!LOOK WHAT I FOUND FOR YOU LADIES!!!
Naked Times

(or who needs the Chippendales)

WARNING - THIS ARTICLE MAY BE MORE SUITABLE FOR THE FEMALE OF THE SPECIES.

More than twenty years before the baring of male bodies was commonplace due to such groups as the Chippendales, a certain actor was flaunting his charms for the delight of a female audience. I refer - of course - to William Shatner.

In approximately 25.64% of the seventy eight episodes featuring James T Kirk, one fact is very obvious to the discerning female. The handsome captain of the Enterprise often appears to us in a state of undress in a blatant attempt to glue us to the screen in breathless admiration.

More than one innocent female viewer has been trapped by the sight of him, muscled body beaded with sweat, as he becomes involved in yet another shirt-ripping sequence.

Apart from Tarzan ( and he doesn't really count) no other TV character, during the 60's,displayed his manly attractions with such frequency, and recalling some of them that small mercy is indeed thankful. Can one envision the smarmy Napoleon Solo or the weedy Ilia Kuryakin from Man from Uncle; the overweight Doug Phillips from Time Tunnel; the stiff-upper lipped Jim Phelps from Mission Impossible exposing their chests for us?

I have made a long, arduous in-depth study of Captain Kirk's Naked Times, slaving many exhausting hours over a hot VCR to research this article. Any omissions are not my fault. There is only so much one can take. The following analysis is the result.

EPISODES

1) Where No Man Has Gone Before - The power-crazy Gary Mitchell is the first antagonist to tear Kirk's shirt in a vicious fight of good versus evil. Only a bare shoulder and a glimpse of masculine pectoral are seen but that is only a taste of the delights to follow.

2) The Corbomite Manouver - A quarterly physical check-up shows us a sweating, bare-chested Kirk undergoing a tortuous fitness test in sickbay. Later he strides through the ship's corridors, his uniform tunic wrapped around his neck and NO-ONE (well trained crew that they are) even bats an eyelid! A further few moments in the turbo-lift then onto the next scene where he puts on a fresh shirt. Our JT is certainly human. He sweats, becomes irritable, and even changes his clothes!

3) The Enemy Within - The gentle Kirk (after a shower) is stretching his aching towel-clad neck when Spock arrives to question him. Spock is ill at ease, whether from the confusing conversation or his half-naked captain smiling at him is open to interpretation. Joking apart, the man's skin is so perfect it makes the average acne-suffering viewer envious. I mean, most of us at least have a few spots on our back.

4) The Naked Time - Only a brief glimpse this time when McCoy rips Kirk's shirt at the shoulder to administer a hypo shot. To my knowledge this is the only time this is done for the hypo is normally shown as able to work through layers of clothing... Perhaps the doctor is just incredibly clumsy. Sulu fans get a treat in this episode when the helmsman buckles a fine swash.

5) Charlie X - In the gymnasium, where he is wearing nothing but bright, red Starfleet issue tights and black socks, the admittedly gorgeously muscled and athletic captain tries to teach the thin, under-developed Charlie to defend himself. The physical activities and the worries caused by Charlie's powers cause a nice sweat to break out on Kirk's body and only adds to his attractiveness. (Choke, gasp...Breathe in, breathe out, Gloria. Remember that you are a Spock fan! Be still my beating heart!)

6) What are Little Girls Made Of? - The android duplication process reveals more of Captain Kirk. Covered by the restraining part of the machine (at a strategic point) we see a pair of bare legs along with the now familiar smooth, naked chest. But, there are more delights in store when that blob of goo becomes a second, naked Kirk. Too much of a good thing, girls? Oh no, I hear you say...

7) Miri - The virus that affects Kirk, causes him to become unzipped. Unlike McCoy he is not wearing a black T-shirt underneath his uniform so we see a little flesh at the join of neck and shoulder. Later there is a short glimpse of bare arms.

8) Court Martial - The fight with Finney causes another ripped shirt. What kind of material does Starfleet use anyway? It is obviously not Kirk proof! At least the collar remains intact.

9) Shore Leave - The epic fight with Finnegan produces yet another beautifully, torn shirt. This time our handsome captain becomes artfully dirty and bloody. It looks like the same ripped shirt from Court Martial but a little more ragged and the collar is still intact. Well, waste not want not...

10) Amok Time -The fight to the death with Spock ruins yet another uniform top when the lirpa slices through it. Those perfectly formed pectorals are revealed yet again.

11) Mirror, Mirror - The mirror-Kirk's uniform - a gold/green little number, sleeveless and low cut is rather revealing. It is very nice indeed and goes with his eyes. By contrast the mirror-Spock is even more covered up than usual. Oh well, we can't have everything.

12) Journey to Babel - Knifed by the Orion spy, Kirk is seen in sickbay, bare-chested but with a large pressure bandage around his torso. Too bad a band-aid wouldn't have done the trick

13) The Deadly Years - In his quarters, a bare-chested Kirk is about to put on his tunic. Has he been in the shower again? Sweating a lot again? He calls for a progress report then clutches his poor aching back.

14) A Private Little War - After the mugato bite, Kirk is lying on furs, his native jacket open while the witch woman's hands and hair wander all over his skin. (Lucky girl) All this is accompanied by chants, groans, moans, heavy breathing and sweating. Time for another shower, Jim? A cold one, perhaps?

15) The Gamesters of Triskelion - His tunic torn to bits by the whip of the toothy giant thrall, Kirk spends much of his time in a harness that barely covers his tastefully scarred chest. He woos the gorgeous Shanna (what chance does the poor woman have?) and tries to reason with the brain gamblers. (What chance did those brains have with our poker-playing captain?)

16) Patterns of Force - Stripped to the waist by the Ekosian nazis, Kirk and Spock are subjected to a whipping. Well used to our captain's charms we are now given the treat of seeing the body of our gorgeous Vulcan. Lean musculature, a touch of rib showing, a light scattering of dark hair on his chest, such a narrow waist...Gulp...swallow...yum...sigh...Quite a contrast to the chunkier Kirk. The captain soon finds something to wear but Spock --to our delight- wanders about much of the time, innocently topless. Better enjoy it, girls, as it is the one and only time during the seventy nine episodes that he appeared that we see that hairy chest. He may not be a Chippendale (or a Kirk) but he sure is stunning in his own way.

17) The Paradise Syndrome - The amnesiac, bare-chested Kirok frolicking with his lovely native wife is a charming and innocent sight. Would he have been happy to remain with her, I wonder?

18) The Empath - The Vians torture Kirk, tie him up by his wrists and his half-naked form hangs in mid-air. (Or was this his stand-in?) He sweats and moans with pain. Did they allow him a shower before they returned him to the others? I hope so. McCoy gets his shirt torn in this episode.

19) Plato's Stepchildren - Kirk's Greek style outfit is draped across his torso to reveal the right side of his manly chest. He also gets to show his legs. Spock's outfit is more modest but he shows his legs as well. Question - Who has the nicer legs?

20) Turnabout Intruder - In sickbay for a check, Lester, in Kirk's body, has to bare her/his chest. She dabs delicately at her skin with a towel, obviously unused to the copious amount of sweating that her male body is exuding. Question - Was she embarrassed about being topless?

EPISODES IN WHICH KIRK SHOULD HAVE HAD A TORN UNIFORM

1) Arena - How did the material stand against the powerful, reptilian Gorn, when ordinary human men such as Finney or Finnegan were able to tear it?

2) Space Seed - Khan with five times Kirk's strength, should have been able to rip his uniform to shreds. Oh well, Khan himself supplied enough beefcake in that particular episode.

3) The Omega Glory - The many vicious fights with Capt.Tracey and the Yangs should have proved too much for Kirk's Starfleet uniform.

4) Spock's Brain - The fight with the brutish Eymorgs should have done some damage.

AFTERWORD

There are, of course, the many episodes when our captain wore those revealing green wrap-over tunics and others when he should have shown us his attractive body, e.g. Wink of an Eye, where all we saw was his boots going on. City on The Edge of Forever, when he changed into the stolen clothes. We can't really complain though. In the male-dominated TV industry of the 60's, it was amazing that the needs of the female audience were even considered. Certainly the scantily clad female aliens and mini-skirted crew-women were a deliberate ploy to capture the male viewer and that in the 60's as in every other decade has been the norm. Star Trek, however, never forgot that half the population were women. In this, as in many other areas, Star Trek was ahead of its time.

 

Political song thread

Joains

Sung to the tune: England Swings
Roger Miller, rewritten by Joains

England flips like the UN do,
Saddam shooting scuds, two by two,
Westminster Abbey the tower of Big Ben,
What if he aims at the rosy red cheeks of the little children.

Now, if you huff and puff and you fina'lly talk enough
the states will protect your family across the sea,
Take a tip before you make your slip; let me tell you where to go, try a pub and yell
Go Saddam, Oh;

Mama's old pajamas and your papa's mustache,
Falling out the window sill, frolic in the grass,
Tryin' to mock the way they talk fun but all in vain,
Gaping at the dapper men with derby hats and canes.

Submitted by Astrogirl

Here's my political song that's actually in my textbook:
Yankee Doodle went to town
riding on a pony
stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni
Yankee Doodle keep it up
Yankee Doodle dandy
mind the music and the step and let the girls be handy

 

Submitted by Gloster Meteor

"Imagine there's no Heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people,
Living for today.....
Yaaaaahaaaaaaaa.

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
And no religion too,
Imagine all the people,
Living life in peeeeace,
Yooooooohooooooo.

You may say I'm a dreamer,
But I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will be as one.

Imagine no possessions,
Wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people,
Sharing all woooorld,
Yooooooohooooooo!

You may say I'm a dreamer,
But I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one."

Submitted by * Diane *

War Pigs

Generals gathered in their masses,
just like witches at black masses.
Evil minds that plot destruction,
sorcerers of death's construction.
In the fields the bodies burning,
as the war machine keeps turning.
Death and hatred to mankind,
poisoning their brainwashed minds.
Oh lord, yeah!

Politicians hide themselves away.
They only started the war.
Why should they go out to fight?
They leave that role to the poor, yeah.

Time will tell on their power minds,
making war just for fun.
Treating people just like pawns in chess,
wait till their judgement day comes, yeah.

Now in darkness world stops turning,
ashes where the bodies burning.
No more War Pigs have the power,
Hand of God has struck the hour.
Day of judgement, God is calling,
on their knees the war pigs crawling.
Begging mercies for their sins,
Satan, laughing, spreads his wings.
Oh lord, yeah!
--Black Sabbath

 

Submitted by Joains

BLOWING IN THE WIND
Bob Dylan
adapted by Joains

How many times must a Presidaent call around, before they can see it could happen in their town
How many lies must a be told, before he sleeps a dead so cold
How many times must the scuds fly, before they are
forever banned
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

How many years must a kurd exist, before it is washed to
the sea
How many years can some people exist, before they're allowed
to be free
How many times can the UN turn it's head, and pretend that they
just doesn't see
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

How many times must a man look up, before he can't see twin towers in the sky

How many UN resolutions must one man have, before he can hear his own people
cry
How many deaths will it take till he knows, that too many
people have died
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

QUE SERA, SERA
The Joains Version

It was written by Jay Livingston
and Ray Evans with Joains


When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me:

"Que sera, sera,
Ripped shirts are his you see
Whatever will be, will be;
The chest is ours to see.
Que sera, sera,
What will be, will be."


When I was just a child in school,
I asked my teacher, "What will I try?
Should I paint pictures"
Should I sing songs?"
This was her wise reply:

"Que sera, sera,
Ripped shirts are his you see
Whatever will be, will be;
The chest is ours to see.
Que sera, sera,
What will be, will be."

When I grew up and fell in love.
I asked my sweetheart, "What lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows
Day after day?"
Here's what my sweetheart said:

"Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be;
The ripped shirts you will see
Que sera, sera,
Will belong to me
Que sera, sera,
it's still Kirk's I see
What ever will be, will be.

Now I have Children of my own.
They ask their mother, "What will I be?"
Will I be handsome?
Will I be rich?"
I tell them tenderly:

"Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be;
There is only one ripped shirt to see
Que sera, sera,
it belongs to Jim and will always be
Que Sera, Sera!
The future rips are yours to see
Whatever will be, will be"

 

Rip It!

Sung to the tune:WHIP IT
DEVO
adapted by Joains


watch that ship
give the past the slip
hop on board
get on before the borg
when a fight comes along
you must rip it
before the captain fights too long
you must rip it
when something's going wrong
you must rip it
now rip it
he's in shape
rip it up
get straight
go forward
move ahead
try to rip it
it's not too late
to rip it
rip it good
when a gold shirt turns around
you must rip it
you will never live it down
unless you rip it
no one gets her way
until she rips it
i say rip it
rip it good

 

Ripped to pieces

sung to I fall to pieces
Patsy Cline
(Trisha Yearwood and Aaron Neville)
adapted by Joains


Shirts ripped to pieces
Each time I see you again
they are ripped to pieces
How can I be just your friend

You want me to act
Like we've never seen your chest
You want me to forget
Pretend we've never met
And I try and I try
But I haven't yet
You walk by and I rip your shirt to pieces

solo

Shirts ripped to pieces
Each time someone speaks your name
I rip your shirts to pieces
Time only acts to the play

You tell me to find someone else to tear
Someone who has lots of shirts
The way you used to do
But each time I go ripping a new one
You walk by and I rip your shirts to pieces

 

Saddam Bombs

to be sung in all arab speaking countries except Iraq.....

(I CAN'T GET NO) Saddam Bombs
The Rolling Stones
- words and music by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards and Joains

I can't get no Saddam Bombs, I can't get no Saddam Bombs
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm drivin' my jihad, and the man come on the radio
He's tellin' me more and more about some american information
Supposed to fire my imagination

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say
I can't get no Saddam Bombs, I can't get no Saddam Bombs
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm watchin' my TV and a man comes on and tell me
How my sucide can be
But, he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't want
to die the death with me

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say
I can't get no Saddam Bombs, I can't get no Saddam Bombs
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm flying a plane 'round the world
And I'm doin' this and I'm signin' that
And I'm tryin' to make a building fall, some waitress who tells me
Baby, better come back maybe next year
'Cause you see I'm on aligator alley
I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say. I can't get no, I can't get no
I can't get no Saddam Bombs, no Saddam Bombs
No Saddam Bombs, no Saddam Bombs

 

sans peur et sans reproche

Sung to the tune: American Pie, Parts 1 & 2

Music by Don McLean
Words by joains

A long long time ago
I can still remember how
That show used to make me smile
And I knew if they had a chance
That for 50 years or more we could dance
And maybe they'd be happy for a while
But November 1994 made me shiver
With every reviewed delivered
Bad news on the doorstep
I couldn't take one more step
I can't remember if I had known
When I read about his grave of stone
But something touched me deep inside
**The day Jim Kirk died**
So...

(Chorus)
Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

Did you write the book of trek
And do you have faith in Gene up above
If the cannon tells you so?
Now do you believe in revenge served cold?
Can a new ending save your mortal soul?
And I can teach you how to try real slow

Well, I know that we're in love with him
'cause we saw him shirtless in the gym
We all kicked off our shoes
Man, we dig those rhythm and blues
We were lonely teenage science nerds
never heard of Saddam or a kurds
But I knew We were out of luck
The day the Kirk died
I started singin'

(Chorus)
Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

Now, for 8 years we've been on our own
And Trek without Kirk is a rolling stone
But, that's not how it used to be
Now all we get is Janeway singing to a borg queen
In a ship she borrowed from the mind of Gene
And a voice that saddens you and me
Oh nd while the Gene was looking down
Rick stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
And while Spock did not write a book on Dr. Phlox
The quartet practiced in the park
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the Jim died
We were singin'

(Chorus)
Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

Helter skelter in a summer swelter
The new series flew into a fallout shelter
Low ratings and falling fast
does not remind us of the past
The network tried for a backwards pass
With Shatner on the sidelines with the old cast
Now the show smells like old perfume
While Enterprise plays out of tune
We all got up to cancel the dance
Oh, but we never got the chance
'cause the fans tried to take the field
But B & B refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the Jim died?
We started singin'

(Chorus)
Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

Oh, and there we were all in one place
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again
So come on Jim be nimble, Jim be quick
Jim come back even on a candlestick
'cause fire is the devil's only friend
And as I watched Brandon on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
No angel born in Hell
Could break that Satan's spell
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite
I saw Rick laughing with delight
The day the Jim Kirk died
He was singin'

(Chorus)
Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

I met a girl named Jo who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd bought the TV years before
But the man there said the DVD wouldn't play
And in the streets the children screamed
The posters cried, and the critics dreamed
But not a word was spoken
All the episodes were broken
And the three men I admire most-
Spock, McCoy, and even Gene-
They refused to play the scene
The day the Kirk died
And they were singing


Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

 

Sarah of Borg Your Song

(Elton John/Bernie Taupin)
arranged and sung by Joains

It's a little bit funny,your feeling inside
Your not one of those, who can easily hide
You might not have much money, but boy if you did
You'd buy a big house where the AC would let you type and live

If Kirk was a sculptor, but then again no,
Or captain in an intergactic travelling show
I know these words are not much, but it's the best I can do
My wish is you sing a happy song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody, this is your song
I know life is not that simple and I know you are strong
cas' you will reach those stars before long

I hope you don't mind, I hope don't you mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful this BBS is while your posting in the ether world

I sat on a planet and invited the Borg
Well a few of the drones, well thy've manage to carry the chord
But McCoy's been quite kind while I wrote this song,
It's for people like you, that he keeps Red Shirts alive.

So excuse me forgetting, but these women Kirk talks to
I see you have forgotten, but they're green or they're blue
Anyway the things, what this song really means
Yours is one of the most human souls I've ever seen.

 

Second Saddam Song

Busted flat in Bagdad, waitin' for a colition jet
And I's feelin' near as faded as my jeans
Saddam thumbed a scud down just before it rained
It rode us all the way into Saudi
I pulled my harpoon out of my dirty red bandana
I's playin' soft while Saddam sang the blues, yeah
Windshield wipers slappin' time, I's holdin' Saddam's WMD in mine
We sang every song that driver knew, yeah

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Nothin' don't mean nothin' hon' if it ain't free, no no
And feelin' good was easy, Lord, when he played the UN
You know, feelin' good was good enough for me
Good enough for me and my Hussien

From the italian coal mine to the London sun
There Saddam shared the secrets of my soul
Through all kinds of weather, through everything we done
Yeah, His WMDs kept me from the cold
One day up near New York, Lord, I let him slip away
He's lookin' for that home and I hope he finds it
But I'd trade all o' my tomorrows for one single yesterday
To be holdin' Saddam WMD's body next to mine

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Nothin', that's all that the UN left me, yeah
But if feelin' good was easy, Lord, when he Played the UN
Hey, feelin' good was good enough for me, mm-hmm
Good enough for me and my sad Saddam

La-da-da La-da-da-da La-da-da da-da da-da
La-da-da da-la-da la-da, sad Saddam, yeah
La-da-la-da-la-da La-da-la-da-da
La-da-la-da-la-la, sad Saddam, yeah
La-da-da La-da-da La da-da La da-da
La-da-da La da-da La da-da
Hey, my UN, Lord, my Sad Saddam, yeah
Lo-da-lo da-la-lo-da-la
Lo-da-la-lo da-la-lo la-la-lo la-la-lo la-la
Hey, my UN, Lord, my sad Saddam, yeah

 WillyStoner’s reply

 here's one that's not so harsh, and you can sing
along to it.

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and
snakes, an aeroplane and Lenny Bruce is not afraid.
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world
serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs. Feed
it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength, Ladder
start to clatter with fear fight down height. Wire
in a fire, representing seven games, a government
for hire and a combat site. Left of west and coming in
a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team
by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped.
Look at that low playing! Fine, then. Uh oh,
overflow, population, common food, but it'll do. Save
yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs,
listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and
the revered and the right, right. You vitriolic,
patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty
psyched.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign
towers. Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself
churn. Locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood
letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate.
Light a candle, light a votive. Step down, step down.
Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh, this means no
fear cavalier. Renegade steer clear! A tournament,
tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions,
offer me alternatives and I decline.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

The other night I dreamt of knives, continental
drift divide. Mountains sit in a line, Leonard
Bernstein. Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester
Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You
symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right? Right.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel
fine...fine...

Dave’s reply

This is cute, had to share it !!!

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam" said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!" She drives out somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. Suddenly at a traffic light her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on collision. "ASSHOLE" she muttered. And from the radio. . . .

"Ladies and gentlemen, the former President of the United States, Mr. Bill Clinton".

 

Seven………………of Nine

Sung to the tune: Layla
Eric Clapton
(Eric Clapton and Jim Gordon)
adpated by Joains
(unplugged version)

What'll you do when you get lonely
And nobody's waiting by your mind-link?
You've been running and asimulating much too long.
You know it's just your foolish directive.

Seven, you've got Dave on his knees.
Seven, Augie's begging, darling please.
Seven, darling won't you ease Spud's worried mind.

Dave tried to give you consolation
but it was futile
When your old queen had let you down.
Irrealvantly, Augie fell in love with you,
Turned Spud's whole world upside down.

Seven, you've got Dave on his knees.
Seven, Augie's begging, darling please.
Seven, darling won't you ease Spud's worried mind.

Let's make the best of the situation
Before Paul finally goes insane.
Please don't say we'll never find a way
And tell them all their love's in vain.

Seven, you've got Dave on his knees.
Seven, Augie's begging, darling please.
Seven, darling won't you ease Spud's worried mind.

Seven, you've got Dave on his knees.
Seven, Augie's begging, darling please.
Seven, darling won't you ease Spud's worried mind.

 

Shirt of Gold

Sung to :Heart of Gold
Neil Young
Adpated by Joains

I want to live, I want to give
I've been ripping a shirt of gold
It's these expressions I never give
That keep me searching for a shirt of gold
And I'm getting old
Keeps me searching for a ripped shirt of gold
And I'm getting old

I've been to Hollywood, I've been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean for a shirt of gold
I've been in my mind, it's such a fine line
That keeps me searching for a ripped shirt of gold
And I'm getting old
Keeps me searching for a ripped shirt of gold
And I'm getting old

Keep me searching for a shirt of gold
You keep me searching for a ripped shirt of gold
And I'm getting old
I've been a ripper of his shirts of gold

 

SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE

Robert Palmer

How can it be permissible
he compromise my principle, yeah yeah
That kind of love is mythical
he's anything but typical

he's a craze you'd endorse,
he's a powerful force
You're obliged to conform when there's no other course
he used to look good to me, but now I find him
Simply irresistible, Simply irresistible

His loving is so powerful, huh
It's simply unavoidable
The trend is irreversible
The ripped shirt is invincible

he's a natural law, and he leaves me in awe
he deserves the applause, I surrender because
he used to look good to me, but now I find him
Simply irresistible, Simply irresistible

Simply irresistible (he's so fine, there's no tellin' where the money went)
Simply irresistible (he's all mine, there's no other way to go)

he's unavoidable, I'm backed against the wall /
he gives me feelings like I never felt before /
I'm breaking promises, he's breaking every law / DRUMS
he used to look good to me, but now I find him /
Simply irresistible . he's so fine, there's no tellin' where the money went
Simply irresistible he's all mine, there's no other way to go

GUITAR SOLO

His methods are inscrutable
The proof is irrefutable, Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
he's so completely kissable, huh
Our lives are indivisible

he's a craze you'd endorse, he's a powerful force
You're obliged to conform when there's no other course
he used to look good to me, but now I find him
Simply irresistible (he's so fine, there's no tellin' where the money went)
Simply irresistible (he's all mine, there's no other way to go)
Simply irresistible (he's so fine, there's no tellin' where the money went)
Simply irresistible (he's all mine, there's no other way to go)

FADE

 

Song for Paul

Shop Around
Captain & Tennille
sung for Paul by us all
Words and Music: William "Smokey" Robinson and Berry Gordy with Joains

Just because you've become a shop keeper now
There's still some things that you don't have to stop now
Before you ban some guy now
your better check his wallet for as long as you can now
My mama told me
You better let'um shop around

There's some things that I want you to know now
Just as sure as the wind's gonna blow now
The shoppers'll come and the shoppers are gonna go now
Before you tell 'em that you can't buy now
My mama told me
You better let'um shop around

Try to get yourself a bargain tribble
Don't be sold on the very first one
Good-looking green girls come a dime a dozen
Try to find you one who's gonna give you some cash now

Before you take a deal and say I'll sell now
Make sure he's got your goods now
Make sure that his lots are full now
I hate to see you feeling sad and blue now
My mama told me
You better let'um shop around

 

Song for Spock

Sung to the tune: PUFF (THE MAGIC DRAGON)
Peter, Paul & Mary
(Yarrow/Lipton)
with Joains on the GREEN TAMBOURINE


Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree

Little Jimmy Kirk loved that rascal Spock,
and brought him tricorders and sensor scans and other fancy stuff. Oh!

(Chorus, twice)Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree
Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree

Together they would travel on a starship with a warp nacelle
Jimmy kept a phaserlock with Spock's science station,
Noble klingons and romulans would bow whene'er they came,
Orion Pirate ships would lower their flag when Spock roared out the Enterprise name. Oh!

(Chorus)Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree

A vulcan lives 200 years but not so B&B Captains
Away missions and saving mankind made way for TJ Hooker toys.
One grey night it happened, Jimmy Kirk came no more
And Spock that stoic vulcan, he ceased his acting chores.

His head was bent in sorrow, copper blood fell like rain,
Spock no longer went to play along the Sha Ka Ree lane.
Without his life-long friend, Spock could not be brave,
So Spock that stoic vulcan sadly slipped into his retirement fame. Oh!

(Chorus, softly)Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree
(Chorus, loudly)Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree

 

Spacedock Enterprise

Sung to the tune of HOTEL CALIFORNIA
The Eagles
(D. Felder, D. Henley, G. Frey)
with a rewrite from Joains

In a dark emptyt galaxy, collected gases in his hair
Warm smell of burning neutrons rising up through muck they called air
Up ahead in the distance, he saw a shimmering light
His head grew heavy, and his sight grew dimmer
He had to stop for the night
There stood Sarah of Borg in the doorway;
He heard the away mission bell
And was thinking to himself,
'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then Astrogirl lit up a phaser and DianaG showed him the way
There were voices down the corridor, he thought he heard them say...

Welcome to the Spacedock, Enterprise
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Plenty of room at the Spacedock, Enterprise
Any tear in time, you can find it here

Anja's mind is Tiffany-twisted, Diane got lots of starship friends
Laura's had a lot of petty, petty ensigns, that she has had to call their next of kin
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
He danced to remember, she danced to forget
So Hart called up the Captain, 'Please bring me my klingon wine'
Spock said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since 1969'
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Spacedock, Enterpise
Such a lovely race (such a lovely face)
We're livin' it up at the Spacedock, Enterprise
What a nice surprise, bring your loving eyes

Mirrors on the bridge, the roumlan ale on ice
And Joains said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own time device'
And in the captain's quarters, they gathered for the feast
They pull at it with their warm hands, but they just can't rip the shirt with ease
Last thing he remembers, He was running for the door
He had to find the passage back to the place he was before
'Relax' said Sueinbrum, Claudia and Peg are programed to recieve.
He can check out any time he wants, but he can never leave.

Welcome to the spacedock, Enterprise......

 

Sundown or Littlestar


Gordon Lightfoot and Joains

Sung by the 'Captain'

I can see her lyin' back in her faded dress
In a room where ya do what ya don't confess
Littlestar ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' 'round my bare chest
Littlestar ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' 'round my bare chest
She's bin lookin' like a queen in a starship captain's dream
And she always says what she really means
Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain
Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain

I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in her lovin' was my first mistake
Littlestar ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' 'round my bare chest
Sometimes I think it's a sin
When I feel like I'm winnin' when I'm losin again

I can see her lookin' fast in her faded jeans
She's a hard lovin' woman, even if she ain't green
Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain
Littlestar ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' 'round my bare chest
Littlestar ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' 'round my bare chest
Sometimes I think it's a sin
When I feel like I'm winnin' when I'm losin' again

 

Take It Easy and Shirtless
The Eagles with Joains

Well I'm a runnin' down the sector try'n to loosen his shirt
I've got seven Kirks on my mind
Four that wanna beam me, two that wanna scan me
One says he's a friend of mine
Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of my own heart drive me crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to throw your shirt, and take it easy
Well, I'm a standin' on a star in Sector 3
Such a fine sight to see
It's a Jim my lord in a small shuttle
Slowin' down to take a look at me
Come on, baby, don't say maybe
I gotta know if your shirtless love is gonna save me
We may lose and we may win, though we may never be here again
So open up I'm climbin' in, so take it easy
Well, I'm a runnin' down the sector tryin' to loosen his shirt
Got a universe of trouble on my mind
Lookin' for a lover who won't blow my cover,
he's not that hard to find
Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of my own heart make me crazy
Come on baby, don't say maybe
I gotta know of your shirtless love is gonna save me

 

Dave’s reply

 I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.
--L. Armstrong

 

Telephone help line

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are passive-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you are codependent, please press 2 for the passive-dependent person.
If you are manic-depressive, press 0 gently, then 9 hard, then 0 gently, then 9 hard.
If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7 followed by ####.
If you have borderline personality disorder, press 8 for help, then hang up. Call back immediately raging about being ignored. Then began crying and apologize profusely for losing your temper. Repeat process.
If you are paranoid or delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line and we'll trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

 

The Impossible Dream

This one is for Sue.....to sing!

Play by Dale Wasserman
Music by Mitch Leigh
Lyrics by Joe Darion & Joains

Sung by Sueinbrum


To dream the impossible dream
To rip the almost unripable shirt
To bear the totaly bearable chest
To run fingers where the brave dare not go.

To right the unrightable wrong
To be better far than you are
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable chest.
This is my quest, to caresss that chest,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right without question or pause,
To be willing to march into Paramount for a heavenly chest!
And I know if I'll only be true to this glorious quest
That my heart will race before I'm laid to my rest.
And the world will be better for this
That one woman tired and covered with scars
Still strove with her last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable chest.

The Thunder Rolls
Garth Brooks
Written for ripped shirt Friday by Joains

Ten thirty in the morning,
Not a ripped shirt in sight,
The city's looking like a ghost town
On a stormy Isidore night.

Raindrops on the viewscreen,
There's a storm moving in.
He's heading back from somewhere
That he never should have been.

And the thunder rolls.
And the thunder rolls.

Every alarm is chirping
In a ship across town.
She's pacing by the comm channel
In her rhinestone padded gown.

Asking for a miracle,
Hoping she's not right.
Praying it's the weather
That's kept the Captain out all night.

And the thunder rolls.
And the thunder rolls.

CHORUS
The thunder rolls, and the lightning strikes.
Another shirt hits the floor, on a sleepless night.
As the storm rolls on, out of control.
Deep in her heart, the thunder rolls.

She's waiting by the viewport
When his ship kills the hyper-drive.
She rushes out to hold him
Thankful he's alive.

With all air rushing into the airlock
A strange new perfume blows,
And the lightning flashes in her eyes,
And he knows that she knows about the green women

And the thunder rolls.
And the thunder rolls.

 

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

This is for Joains and friends over at the Shatner BBS.  It doesn't really fit with the whole paintball tank bit so it's kind of hidden.  I think I got most of them.  I only went through the topics started by Joains so if anyone knows one I missed let me know.  I didn't think these should be lost when the board gets upgraded so here's what I could find.

As far as I can tell this is the first song.

We need a Song to Sing

Posted by Joains on 9-13-2002

 How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man
How many seas must the white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand
Yes, and how many times must the cannonballs fly
Before they are forever banned
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

Yes, and how many years can a mountain exist
Before it washed to the sea
Yes, and how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free
Yes, and how many times can a man turn his head
And pretend that he just doesn't see
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

Yes, and how many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky
Yes, and how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry
Yes, and how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind

Yes, and how many UN mandates must be broken
Before he is stopped
and how many WMD's must he use
before his thoughts are known
and how many times do we ask
before everyone opens their eyes
The answer my friend was blowing in the wind
but now it is so hard to see
It is so hard to see....
That answer my friend......

Dave’s response

 I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing
===================================
I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love.
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves.

That's the song I hear,
Let the world sing today
A song of peace that echoes on
And never goes away.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company

That's the song I hear....

I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills
For peace throughout the land.

That's the song I hear....

~Dave

 

2 Ripped Shirts

Sung to the tune:
Torn Between Two Lovers

-Artist: Mary MacGregor
-peak Billboard position # 1 in 1976-77
-Words and Music by Peter Yarrow (of Peter, Paul , and Mary) and Phil Jarrel
-re-written by Joains

There are times when a woman has to say what's on her mind
Even though she knows how much it's gonna hurt
Before I say another word let me tell you I love you
Let me hold you close and say these words as gently as I can

There's been another one that I've needed and I've loved
But that doesn't mean I love you less
And both know you can't possess me and know you never will
There's just this empty place inside of me that only you both can fill

CHORUS
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
one green, one gold , thankGod you don't wear blue
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules

You mustn't think you've failed me just because there's someone else
You were the first real love I ever had
And all the things I ever said, I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you

CHORUS
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
one green, one gold , thankGod you don't wear blue
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules

I couldn't really blame you if you turned and walked away
But with everything I feel inside, I'm asking you to stay

CHORUS
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two ripped shirts, feelin' like a fool
one green, one gold , thankGod you don't wear blue
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules

Torn between two ripped shirts
one gold, the other green
FADE
Feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules

 

50 Ways

 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
Paul Simon
- words and music by Paul Simon
--adpated by Joains


The problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to rip his shirt

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to rip his shirt
Fifty ways to rip your shirt Jim

You just rip out the back, Jim
Make a new plan, T'Stan
You don't need to be coy, McCoy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, K'lus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Dee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she showed me this BBS and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to rip his shirt
Fifty ways to rip Kirk's shirt

You just rip out the back, Jim
Make a new plan, K'Stan
You don't need to be coy, McCoy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, K'lus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Dee
And get yourself free

 

Addicted to Trek

 ...your addicted to Trek

Sung to the tune: ADDICTED TO LOVE
Robert Palmer and Joains

Your TV is on, but family not home
Your mind is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
Another away mission is what it takes

You can't sleep, you can't eat
There's no doubt, you're in deep
Your throat is tight, you can't breathe
Another ripped shirt is all you need

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to trek

You see the signs, but you can't read
You're runnin' at a warp speed
Your heart beats in time warp time
Another mission and you'll be mine, a one track mind

You can't be saved
Oblivion is all you crave
If there's some left for you
You don't mind if you do

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to trek

Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek

------ lead guitar ------

Your TV is are on, but your family not home
Your will is not your own
You're heart sweats and teeth grind
Another episode and you'll be mine

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to trek

Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek
Might as well face it, you're addicted to trek

 

After Star Trek

 Sung to the tune: After Midnight
Eric Clapton and Joains

- Peak Position #18 on 11/14/70

After startrek, we're gonna let them all beam down
After startrek, we're gonna over-load a phaser and shout
We're gonna stimulate some action
We're gonna get some satisfaction
We're gonna find out what it is all about
After startrek, we're gonna all beam down

After startrek, we're gonna send you to the medical bay
After startrek, it's all gonna be ripped shirts and play
We're gonna cause talk and suspiction
We're gonna give an exhibition
We're gonna find out what it is all about
After startrek, we're all gonna beam down

After startrek, we're all gonna beam hang down

REPEAT SECOND VERSE

After startrek, we're all gonna beam down
After startrek, we're gonna let you beam down
After startrek, we're gonna let you beam down
After startrek, we're all gonna beam down

 

One for Vito

 Just for fun........


Don't Go Breaking My Heart or Toilet
Duet: Vito and his dream girl
Written by Ann Orson and Carte Blanche
and Joains


Don't go breaking my toilet
I couldn't if I tried
Honey if I get gas
Baby you're not that kind

Don't go breaking my toilet
You take the weight off me
Honey when you knock on my bathroom door
I gave you my reading material

Nobody knows it
When I was down
I was your clown
Nobody knows it
Right from the start
I gave you my restroom
I gave you my restroom

So don't go breaking my toilet
I won't go breaking your toilet
Don't go breaking my toilet

And nobody told us
`Cause nobody showed us
And now it's up to us babe
I think we can make it

So don't misunderstand me
You put the water in my bath
You put the paper on my roll
I've got your toilet in my sights

 

Bored Stiff

Sung to the tune of Born Free
by Roger Williams and Joains


Bored stiff, as stiff as 1950's high hair
As still as the dead grass grows
Bored stiff to follow your stomach

Bored stiff free and food surrounds you
The world still astounds you
Each time you look at a cheesecake

Bored stiff, where no refrigator can stop you
You're borede as the housefly
So there's no need to hide

Bored Stiff, and food is worth eating
But only worth a cheesburger
'cause you're bored stiff

 

Added later in the thread

 THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING
Nancy Sinatra

You keep saying you got something for me
Something you call love but confess
You've been a'messin' where you shouldn't 've been a'messin'
And now someone else is getting all your best
Well, these boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

You keep lyin' when you oughta be truthin'
You keep losing when you oughta not bet
You keep samin' when you oughta be a'changin'
What's right is right but you ain't been right yet
These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

LEADBREAK

You keep playing where you shouldn't be playing
And you keep thinking that you'll never get burnt (HAH)
Well, I've just found me a brand new box of matches (YEAH)
And what he knows you ain't had time to learn
These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you

SPOKEN

Are you ready, boots?
Start walkin'

 Also

 that should read spooky baby spooky

In the cool of the evenin' when ev'rything is gettin' kind of groovy
I call you up and ask you if you'd like to go with me and see a movie
First you say "No", you've got some plans for the night
And then you stop, and say, "All right"
Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you.

You always keep me guessin', I never seem to know what you are thinkin'
And if some fellow looks at you, it's for sure your little eye will be a-winkin'
I get confused, 'cause I don't know where I stand
And then you smile, and hold my hand
Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you
Spooky! Spooky! Yeah - yeah



If you decide someday to stop this little game that you are playin'
I'm gonna tell you all that my heart's been a-dyin' to be sayin'
Just like a ghost, you've been a-hauntin' my dreams
So I'll propose... on Halloween.
Baby, love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you

Ah, spooky, yeah-uh!

 

Borg Queen

 Sung to DANCING QUEEN
Abba and Joains

You can asimulate, you can recharge, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Borg Queen

Friday night and the lights are low
Looking out for the place to go
Where they play the right music, getting in the swing
You come in to look for a Picard King
Rikker could not be that guy
Night is young and the music's high
With a bit of technology, everything is fine
You're in the mood for a alcove
And when you get the chance...

You are the Borg Queen, young and grey, only
drones are seen
Borg Queen, feel the beat from the warp core
You can inject nanites, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Borg Queen

You're a teaser, you turn 'em on
Leave them burning and then you're gone
Looking out for another, anyone will do
You're in the mood for a whole new race
And when you get the chance...

You are the Borg Queen, young and grey, only drones can be seen
Borg Queen, feel the heat from the cube
You can asimulate while having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Borg Queen

 

Cheering Dave up thread

 God Bless America
John Williams & Boston Pops Orchestra
Music & Lyrics : Irving Berlin - Arr. Glenn Osser
Notes : Written for the 1918 soldier revue
"Yip, Yip, Yaphank" but deleted from the show
and shelved until 1938 when it was recorded by Kate Smith

God bless America, land that I love
Stand beside her and guide her
Through the night with the light from above

From the mountains to the prairies
To the oceans white with foam
God bless America, my home sweet home

From the mountains to the prairies
To the oceans white with foam
God bless America, my home sweet home
God bless America, my home sweet home

Joains

 God save the King/Queen

Melody - Text & tune may date back to the 17th century

first publicly performed in London, 1745
1. God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us;
God save the Queen!

2. O Lord our God arise,
Scatter her enemies
And make them fall;
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On Thee our hopes we fix,
God save us all!

3. Thy choicest gifts in store
On her be pleased to pour;
Long may she reign;
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice,
God save the Queen!
4. Not in this land alone,
But be God's mercies known,
From shore to shore!
Lord make the nations see,
That men should brothers be,
And form one family,
The wide world over.

5. From every latent foe,
From the assassins blow,
God save the Queen!
O'er her thine arm extend,
For Britain's sake defend,
Our mother, prince, and friend,
God save the Queen!

6. Lord grant that Marshal Wade
May by thy mighty aid
Victory bring.
May he sedition hush,
And like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush.
God save the King!


Joains (EOE always)

CaptJTK

And since Bill is Canadian:

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Ô Canada!
Terre de nos aïeux,
Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!
Car ton bras sait porter l'épée,
Il sait porter la croix!
Ton histoire est une épopée
Des plus brillants exploits.
Et ta valeur, de foi trempée,
Protégera nos foyers et nos droits,
Protégera nos foyers et nos droits.

 Peg

 for Claudia:

"La Marseillaise"

Allons enfants de la patrie,
Le jour de gloire est arrivé
Contre nous de la tyrannie
L'étendard sanglant est levé
Entendez vous dans les campagnes,
Mugir ces féroces soldats?
Ils viennent jusque dans nos bras
Egorger nos fils, nos compagnes!


Aux armes, citoyens!
Formez vos bataillons!
Marchons! Marchons!
Qu'un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons!

Amour sacré de la patrie,
Conduis, soutiens nos bras vengeurs!
Liberté, Liberté cherie,
Combats avec tes defenseurs!
Sous nos drapeaux, que la victoire
Accoure à tes males accents!
Que tes ennemis expirants
Voient ton triomphe et notre gloire!

Nous entrerons dans la carrière
Quand nos ainés n'y seront plus;
Nous y trouverons leur poussière
Et la trace de leurs vertus.
Bien moins jaloux de leur survivre
Que de partager leur cercueil,
Nous aurons le sublime orgueil
De les venger ou de les suivre!

 

CRAZY FOR SADDAM 

Patsy Cline
Written by Willie Nelson and Joains

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so gulible
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so UN blue
I knew you'd lie to me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd lie to me for somebody else too

Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wond'ring what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my inspectors could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying

And I'm crazy for lying for you
Crazy for thinking that my inspectors could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for lying for you

 

Enterprise on my TV

Sung to the tune: SUNSHINE ON MY SHOULDERS
John Denver
Words by John Denver; Music by John Denver, Mike Taylor and Dick Kniss
Adapted for this BBS by Joains

Enterprise on my TV makes me happy
Enterprise in trouble can make me cry
Enterprise in the sky looks so lovely
Enterprise almost always makes me high

If I had a holideck that I could give you
I'd replicate the day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I'd sing a song to make you feel this way

Enterprise on my TV makes me happy
Enterprise in trouble can make me cry
Enterprise in the sky looks so lovely
Enterprise almost always makes me high

If they had a tale that they could tell you
I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
I'd make a wish for Enterprise all the while

Enterprise on my TV makes me happy
Enterprise in trouble can make me cry
Enterprise in the sky looks so lovely
Enterprise almost always makes me high

 

For Roxy and Astrogirl

If You Could Read My Mind
Gordon Lightfoot and Joains

Sung by the 'Captain'

If you could read my mind love,
what a tale my thoughts can't face.
Just like an old time movie
about a captain from outer space.
In a shuttle small or a starship strong
with chains upon my chest.
You know that captain is me
and I will never be set free
as long as I'm a captain that you can see.


If I could read your mind love,
what a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
the kind that StarTrek sells.
When you reach the part where the heartaches
come the hero would be me.
Heroes never fail.
And you will read that book again
because the endings just to good to miss.


I walk away like a ensign
who gets burned in a nuetron star.
Enter number two, a borg queen
to play the scene of bringing all the good things out in me,
but for now love lets be real.


I never thought I could act this way
and I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went right
but the feelings strong and I have to let it take flight.

If you could read my mind love,
what a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie about a captain from outer space.
In a shuttle small or a starship strong
with no shirt upon my chest the story always ends.
And if you read between the lines
you'll know that I'm just trying to understand
the feeling that you left.

I never thought I could feel this way
and I got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went right
but the feelings strong
and I have to let it take flight.

 

He's Dead Jim

HELLO, DOLLY! or He's Dead Jim
Joains with Louis Armstrong
Words and Music by: Jerry Herman & Joains

He's dead Jim
Well, quite dead Jim
It's so nice to have the dead back where they belong
You're lookin' swell, Jim
I can tell, Dave
You're still glowin', you're still crowin'
You're still goin' strong
I feel my knees swayin'
While the band's playin'
One of your old favourite songs from way back when

So, take his Shirt, girls
Find him an empty lap, girls
Jim , he will never be dead again

He's dead, Jim
Well, I lied Jim
It's so nice to have shirtless like you belong
You're lookin' swell, Jim
I can still tell, Dave
You're still glowin', you're still rippin'
You're still goin' strong
I feel my lips hopin'
While the band's playin'
One of your old favourite songs from way back when

Golly, gee, girls
Find him a vacant knee, girls
put him in my lap girls
Jo will make sure he not cold girls
Jim'll never go away
Jim'll never go away
Jim'll never go away again

 

HONKY TONK CAPTAIN

The Rolling Stones
(Mick Jagger/Keith Richards/joains)

He met a gin-soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis
She tried to take him upstairs for a ride
She had to heave him right across shoulder
'Cause he just can't seem to drink you off my mind

It's the Honky Tonk Captain
Gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk blues

He laid a divorcée in New York City
He had to put up some kind of a fight
The lady then she covered him with roses
She blew his nose and then she blew his mind

It's the Honky Tonk Captain
Gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk blues
It's the Honky Tonk Captain
Gimme, gimme...
Alright!

It's the Honky Tonk Captain
Gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk blues
Yeah, it's the Honky Tonk Captain
Gimme, gimme...

 

I Can See Clearly Now

By Joains with Johnny Nash

I can see clearly now, the shirt is gone,
I can see all sighs he makes in my eyes
Gone are the tunic tops that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Shirtless day.

I think I can make it now, the shirts are gone
All of the gold colors have disappeared
Here is the smooth skin I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Shirtless day.

Look all around, there’s nothin’ but smooth skin
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but smooth skin

I can see clearly now, the shirt is gone,
I can see all slight sighs he makes my way
Gone are the gold tunics that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Shirtless day.

 

JIM KIRK EYES

 BETTE DAVIS EYES or JIM KIRK EYES
KIM CARNES AND JOAINS

His hair is dark brown, his lips sweet surprise
His hands are never cold, he's got Jim Kirk eyes

He'll turn the music on you, you won't have to think twice
He's pure as space snow, he got Jim Kirk eyes

And he'll tease you, he'll seize you
All the better just to please you
He's precocious, and he knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
He got Mr. Spock's standoff sighs, he's got Jim Kirk eyes

He'll let you take him home, it works his appetite
He'll lay you on the throne, he got Jim Kirk eyes

He'll take caress you, roll you like you were dice
Until you come out true, he's got Jim Kirk eyes

He'll thrill you, when he grabs you
Hope you're pleased with the crumbs he throws you
He's ferocious and he knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
All the klingons think he's a spy, he's got Jim Kirk eyes

And he'll please you, he'll ease you
All the better just to kiss you
He's precocious, and he knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
All the klingons think he's a spy, he's got Bill's sparkling eyes...

 

Jims Kirk Sueinbrum and Bong

 done in jest only---laugh and don't take it serious please....

Sung to the tune:
Abraham, Martin, and John

-Artist: Dion from "WRKO Hall Of fame Golden Album"-Post 7101
-peak Billboard position # 4 in 1968
-Words and Music by Richard Holler
-adapted by Joains

Anybody here seen my old friend Jim's Kirk?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He debated lotta people but it seems the liberal they stop short
You know I just looked around and he's gone

Anybody here seen my old friend Bong?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He questioned lotta people but it seems the questions die young
I just looked around and he's gone


Anybody here seen my old friend Sue?
Can you tell me where she's gone?
She taught lotta people but it seems the liberal
they all stop short
I just looked around and she's gone

Didn't you love the things that they stood for?
Didn't they try to find some good for you and me?
And we'll be free
Some day soon, it's gonna be one day

Anybody here seen my old friends?
Can you tell me where they have gone?
I think I saw Dave walkin' up over the hill
With Jim's Kirk, Sueinbrum, and Bong

 

Joains Lists

 The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:

10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green
Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and
torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew
while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J.
Hooker and Captain Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that
the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
calculated for the planet Vulcan.

TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE

10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."

TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHABLE HEAD

20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk.
19. The ball in Parisis' Squares.
18. Hood ornament for shuttlecraft.
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet.
16. Scare blind students in Braille class.
15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews.
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum.
13. Footstool for Captain's chair.
12. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show.
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores.
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline Entity as gag gift.
9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank.
8. Send to Starfleet Android Research Center, so they can "get a head" in
research.
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards.
6. Two words: tether ball!
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking.
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet.
3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be "Head of the Class."
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time.
And the number one use for Data's detatchable head...
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life
insurance policy.

SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:

1. Saying "Make it so" in casual conversation.
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and
tritanium.
3. Ability to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
excessive thought first.
4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer.
5. Have figured out the stardate system.
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra.
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol.
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams.
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The
Omega Glory."
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes.
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface.
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments.
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
Enterprise from the Franklin Mint.
14. Understanding Klingon.
15. Lecturing a science professor on how transporters work.
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it.
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
dramatic stylistics.
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences
in Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
19. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers.
20. You spend all your free time playing on the IRC #startrek channel,
like a giant geek.

**20 Things that never happen in Star Trek**

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are
all perfectly alright.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny
hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which
the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some candy.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
everyone is happy all of the time.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which >
is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and
isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves
out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley
Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being
able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences
that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...Enjoy!

10. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on
the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a
shuttlecraft.
8. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge.
7. Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead.
6. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
life-forms.
5. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick
Hertz is there.
4. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a
REAL Picard Maneuver."
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the
Neutral Zone by asking, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
2. Telling crewmembers in menacing Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead. Make it so."
1. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team
beams back up.

Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:

9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft.
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data.
7. Giving Worf a nuggie.
6. Ordering a pizza from Domino's, then going 30 minutes into the future
just to piss them off. (Ha ha! Free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals.
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during
self-destruct sequence.
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression.
2. Calling down to the transporter room, and asking if they've beamed
aboard Prince Albert in a can.
1. Tribble sex!

 

Kennedy Daschel and Gore

done in jest only---laugh and don't take it serious please....

Sung to the tune:
Abraham, Martin, and John

-Artist: Dion from "WRKO Hall Of fame Golden Album"-Post 7101
-peak Billboard position # 4 in 1968
-Words and Music by Richard Holler
-adapted by Joains

Anybody here seen my old friend Kennedy?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He debated lotta people but it seems the liberal they stop short
You know I just looked around and he's gone

Anybody here seen my old friend Gore?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He questioned lotta people but it seems the questions die young
I just looked around and he's gone


Anybody here seen my old friend Daschel?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He taught lotta people but it seems the liberal
they all stop short
I just looked around and he's gone

Didn't you love the things that they stood for?
Didn't they try to find some good for you and me?
And we'll be free
Some day soon, it's gonna be one day

Anybody here seen my old friends?
Can you tell me where they have gone?
I think I saw Jims' Kirk walkin' up over the hill
With Kennedy, Daschel, and Gore

 

Kirk is a

 Centerfold
The J. Geils Band
sung and adapted by Joains

Does he walk? Does he talk?
Does he come complete?
My home star trek captain
Always pulled me to the edge my seat

He was neverpure like snowflakes
No one could ever complain
The memory of my Captain
Could never cause me pain

Years go by I'm lookin' through a scifi magazine
And there's my starship Captain on the pages in-between

CHORUS
My blood runs cold
My memory has just been sold
My captain is the centerfold
Captain is the centerfold
(Repeat)

Slipped me posts on the BBS
While I was thinkin' about my dress
I was shy I turned away
Before he caught my eye

I was shakin' in my shoes
Whenever he flashed those baby-blues
Something had a hold on me
When a Bill post passed close by

Those soft and fuzzy words
Too magical to speak
Too see him in that ripped shirt
It just can not be beat.

Chorus

It's okay I understand
This ain't no never-never land
I hope that when this issue's gone
I'll see you on that bridge again

Take you ship, Yes we will
We'll take your ship and fly it
We'll take it to one of Jupiter's moons
And rip that shirt in private

A part of me has just been ripped
The pages from my mind are stripped
Oh no, I can't deny it
Oh yea, I guess I gotta buy it!

CHORUS

 

Lyrics in Pocket

 BRASS IN POCKET
The Pretenders
Sung by Joains

I got lyrics in pocket
Got free time, I'm gonna use it.
Intention
I feel inventive,
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

Got lotion, free flowing lotion.
I been spreading uh, Captain teaseing.
No reason, just seems so pleasing.
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice

(CHORUS)

Gonna use my arms,
Gonna use my legs,
Gonna use my free time,
Gonna use my song lyrics-
Gonna use my fingers.
Gonna use my, my, my, imagination.

Cause I going make you see-- there's nobody else here
No one like me.
I'm special, so special.
I got to have some of your attention, give it to me!
I got rhythm, I can't miss a beat.
I got-a new song to sing.
Got something. I'm winking at you,
Gonna make you, make you notice.

Gonna use my arms,
Gonna use my legs,
Gonna use re-touched lyrics,
Gonna use my time on the BBS
Gonna use my fingers, gon' use my my my imagination.

Oh .. cause I gonna make you see
there's nobody else here, no one like me.
I'm special, so special.
I got to have some of your attention, give it to me!
'Cause I gonna make you see
there's nobody else here, no one like me,
I'm special, so special.
I got to have some of your attention, give it to me.
Ooooooooo, Ooooooooo. oh Ooooooo

 

Mama Told Me

 Sung to: Mama Told Me (Not to Come)
Three Dog Night

- words and music by Randy Newman with Joains
- #1 hit for Three Dog Night in 1970


Want some whiskey in your water?
Sugar in your tea?
What's all these crazy questions they're askin' me?
This is the craziest starship that could ever be
Don't turn on the lights 'cause I don't wanna see

Mama told me not to rip
Mama told me not to rip
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"

Open up the force field, let some air into this room
I think I'm almost chokin' from the smell of Joains perfume
And that phaser you're holdin' 'bout scare me half to death
Open up those hailing frequenies, sucker, let me catch my breath

Mama told me not to rip
Mama told me not to rip
"That ain't the way to have fun, James"
"That ain't the way to have fun, James"

The deflector shield is blastin', someone's throwin' beer cans at the viewscreen
I'm lookin' at peg and Claudia- she's passed out on the floor
I seen so many things I ain't never seen before
Don't know what it is - I don't wanna see no more

Mama told me not to rip
Mama told me not to rip
She said, "That ain't the way to have fun, James"
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"

"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That ain't the way to have fun, James T"
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That ain't the way to have fun, James"

"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That ain't the way to have fun, Spock"
"That ain't the way to have fun, no"
"That ain't the way to have fun, Spock"

  Response for Vito’s (not to come) ques.

 vito---you can ask.....Alfie


Alfie
Cher/Dionne Warwick

What's it all about, Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie?
Are we meant to take more than we give
or are we meant to be kind?
And if only fools are kind, Alfie,
then I guess it's wise to be cruel.
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie,
what will you lend on an old golden rule?
As sure as I believe there's a heaven above, Alfie,
I know there's something much more,
something even non-believers can believe in.
I believe in love, Alfie.
Without true love we just exist, Alfie.
Until you find the love you've missed you're nothing, Alfie.
When you walk let your heart lead the way
and you'll find love any day, Alfie, Alfie.

 

May be the Best Yet

 Sung to the song...TAXI
by Harry Chapin
and adapted by Joains

It was raining over 'Frisco,
I needed one more shuttle trip to make my night.
A man up ahead commed me down,
He got in at the light.
Oh, where you going to, in starfleet blue,
It's a shame you ruined your shirt in the rain.
He just looked out the window, and said
"One StarFleet Lane".
Something about him was familiar
I could swear I'd seen his face before,
But he said, "I'm get that alot"
And he didn't say anything more.
It took a while, but he looked in the mirror,
And he glanced at the license for my name.
A smile seemed to come to him slowly,
It was a sad smile, just the same.
And he said, "How are you Jo?"
I said, "How are you Jim?
Through the too many miles
and the too little smiles
I still remember you."
It was somewhere in a fairy tale,
I used to take him home in my car.
We learned about spaceflight togehter,
The lesson hadn't gone too far.
You see, he was gonna be an actor,
And I was gonna learn to fly.
But I took off to find the footlights,
And he took off to find the sky.
Oh, I've got something inside me,
To drive a captain blind.
There's a wild woman, enchantress,
She's hiding in me, illuminating my mind.
Oh, I've got something inside me,
Not what my life's about,
Cause I've been letting my outside tide me,
Over 'till my time, runs out.
Baby's so high that she's skying,
Yes she's flying, afraid to fall.
I'll tell you why baby's crying,
Cause she's dying, aren't we all.
There was not much more for us to talk about,
Whatever we had once was gone.
So I turned my shuttle to the landing pad,
Past the worm hole and the fine trimmed cadets.
And he said we must get together,
But I knew it'd never be arranged.
And he handed me twenty credits,
For a free ride, he said
"Jo, keep the change."
Well another woman might have been angry,
And another woman might have been hurt,
But another woman never would have let him go...
I stashed the bill and reached out and ripped his shirt.
And he walked away in silence,
It's strange, how you never know,
But we'd both gotten what we'd asked for,
Such a long, long time ago.
You see, he was gonna be an actor
And I was gonna learn to fly.
But I took off to find the footlights,
And he took off for the sky.
And here, I'm acting happy,
Inside my pretty shuttle.
And him, he's flying his starship,
Taking trips, and getting more shirts ripped,
And I got the lamplight when I'm done.

 

Added to thread by Peg

 Hope you don't mind me sticking this in
here, but your song reminded me of this one.
And someone here posted it and somehow I got
the idea that it was "Kirk's Song".
It's the theme from "Enterprise"....one of the
best things about that show, I think....plus
their montage at the beginning....

Faith of the Heart

It´s been a long road, getting from there to here.
It´s been a long time, but my time is finally near.
And I can feel the change in the wind right now. Nothing´s in my way.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they're not gonna hold me down.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

It´s been a long night. Trying to find my way.
Been through the darkness. Now I finally have my day.
And I will see my dream come alive at last. I will touch the sky.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they're not gonna change my mind.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

I´ve known the wind so cold, I´ve seen the darkest days.
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change.
I´ve been through the fire and I´ve been through the rain.
But I´ll be fine ...


Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.


Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe. I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul. And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star. I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

 

It’s a Nice Day for a Ripped Shirt

 For Dave and the younger ladies around here...

Sung to: WHITE WEDDING
Billy Idol and Joains

Hey little sister what have you done
Hey little sister who's the only one
Hey little sister who's your captain
Hey little sister who's the one you want
Hey little sister phasergun

It's a nice day to start again
It's a nice day for a ripped shirt
It's a nice day to start again

Hey little sister who is it you're with
Hey little sister what's your captain wish
Hey little sister phasergun oh yeah
Hey little sister who's your captain
Hey little sister phasergun

It's a nice day to start again
It's a nice day for a kirk ripped shirt
It's a nice day to start again

Pick it up
Take me back home yeah

Hey little sister what have you done
Hey little sister who's the only one (only one)
I've been away for so long (so long)
I've been away for so long (so long)
I let you go for so long

It's a nice day to start again
Come on it's a nice day for a ripped shirt
It's a nice day to start again, wow

There is nothing fair in this world
There is nothing safe in this world
and there's nothing sure in this world
And there's nothing pure in this world
Look for something left in this world
Start again come one

It's a nice day for a ripped shirt
Wow, it's a nice day to look at that chest
It's a nice day to start again

 

One for Claudia

 Memory
Joains with Barbra Streisand
Music & Lyrics : A. Lloyd Webber - T. S. Eliot - T. Nunn
Notes : From "Cats" - From the album "Memories"

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has Claudia lost her memory
She is smiling alone
In the bridgelight
The ripped shirts collect at her feet
And the Captain begins to moan
Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can dream of away missions
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory of Kirk live again
Every sensor scan seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
McCoys mutters and the deflector sputters
Soon it will be morning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of Kirk and
I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale court smell of morning
A viewscreen blimp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning
Let him touch me,
It is so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If Kirk will touch me,
He will understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun...

 

One for Peg to sing

 On A Clear Day You Can See Forever
Recorded by Peg
Words by Alan Jay Lerner and Joains
Music by Burton Lane


Title song from the Broadway show
And the film starring Barbra Streisand and Yves Montand (unforgettable as he
sang Come Back to Me" while standing on a parking garage roof)


On a clear day, rise and look around you
And you'll see who's shirt you have
On a clear day how it will astound you
That the glow of his naked chest outshines every star

You'll feel part of ev'ry mountain, sea, and shore
You can hear from far and near a world you've never heard before

And on a clear day, on that clear day
You can see him shirtless,forever and ever more


You can hear from far and near a world you've never heard before

And on that clear day, on that clear day
You can see him shirtless,forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and evermore!

 

One for Sefy

Bei Mir Bist Du Schön
- words by Jacob Jacobs, Sammy Cahn and Saul Chaplin, music by Sholom Secunda
The Andrews Sisters by Sammy Cahn within a couple of days of the Nov 24, 1937 recording

Of all the boys I've known, and I've known some
Until I first met you, I was lonesome
And when you came in sight, dear, my heart grew light
And this old world seemed new to me

You're really swell, I have to admit you
Deserve expressions that really fit you
And so I've racked my brain, hoping to explain
All the things that you do to me

Bei mir bist du schön, please let me explain
Bei mir bist du schön means you're grand
Bei mir bist du schön, again I'll explain
It means you're the fairest in the land

I could say "Bella, bella", even say "Voonderbar"
Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are

I've tried to explain, bei mir bist du schön
So kiss me and say you understand

Bei mir bist du schön, you've heard it all before
but let me try to explain
Bei mir bist du schön means that you're grand
Bei mir bist du schön, it's such an old refrain
and yet I should explain
It means I am begging for your hand

I could say "Bella, bella", even say "Voonderbar"
Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are

------ instrumental break ------

I could say "Bella, bella", even say "Voonderbar"
Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are

I've tried to explain, bei mir bist du schön
So kiss me and say that you will understand

"Bei Mir Bist Du Schön" means "To Me, You Are Beautiful"

How is my Yiddish?

 

One for Spudgun

 My Way....or Spud's Way

Vocals by Spudgun
Writer(s): Revaux/Francois/Anka/Joains
Notes : First performing by "Claude Francois" ("Comme d'habitude").
Translate and arranged by "Paul Anka" for "Franck Sinatra".

And now, Shatner is quite near;
And so I face the first curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry BBS way;
But more, much more than this,
I did it Spud's way.

Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it posted without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the internet way,
But more, much more than this,
I did it Spud's way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and typed it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it Spud's way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it Spud's way".

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it Spud's way!

 

One for the Captain and the Ladies

 Escape (The Ripped Shirt Song)
Rupert Holmes and Joains

I was tired of my TV
I'd been watching too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while it lay there off
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read

"If you like ripped shirts
And getting caught in the rain
If you're into star trek
If you have more than half a brain
If you'd like watching TV at midnight
In the covers of the bed
Then I'm the show that you've looked for
Write to me he said."

I didn't think about my TV
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my new TV
Have fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet
I thought it wasn't half bad

"Yes I like Star Trek
And getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into ripped shirts
but I would not complain
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red-tape
At a bar called The Federation
Where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes
And he walked in the place
I knew his smile in an instant
I knew the curve of his face
It was my own lovely captain
And he said, "Oh it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment
And he said, "I never knew."

That you like ripped shirts
Getting caught in the transporter
And the feel of the space dock
And the taste of green ale over ice
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the halls of the engineering
You're the lady I've looked for
Come with me and escape

 

One for Vito – not a song

 

 "Sewage... the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the starpot Sanitize;
Its mission: to explode strange new turds;
To snake out new pipes, and new sanitizations;
To bowldly clean where no one has cleaned before!

 

Perk up Dave Song

 Philadelphia Freedom
Elton John
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin

I used to be a rolling stone
You know if the cause was right
I'd leave to find the answer on the road
I used to be a heart beating for someone
But the times have changed
The less I say the more my work gets done

`Cause I live and breathe this Philadelphia freedom
From the day that I was born I've waved the flag
Philadelphia freedom took me knee-high to a man
Yeah gave me peace of mind my daddy never had

Oh Philadelphia freedom shine on me, I love you
Shine a light through the eyes of the ones left behind
Shine a light shine a light
Shine a light won't you shine a light
Philadelphia freedom I love you, yes I do

If you choose to you can live your life alone
Some people choose the city
Some others choose the good old family home
I like living easy without family ties
Till the whippoorwill of freedom zapped me
Right between the eyes


(I think I hit him right in his patriotism)

 

PM B Goode

By Chuck Berry with Joains
Vocals by Joains


Way down Louisiana close to New Orleans,
Way back up in the woods among the evergreens...
There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood,
Where lived a BBS poster named PM 007...
He learned to type or write so well,
But he could play the drums like ringing a bell.

Go Go
Go PM Go
Go Go
PM007 Be good

He use to carry his drums and lay down a track
And sit beneath the trees by the railroad track.
Oh, the engineers used to see him on his computer in the shade,
Playing to the rhythm that the drivers made.
People passing by would stop and say
Oh my that shatner poster could play

His agent told him someday he would be the man,
And he would be the leader of a big old band.
Many people coming from miles around
To hear him play his music and type til the sun go down
Maybe someday his name would be in lights
Saying PM 007 B. Goode tonight.

 

PM007 Naked Times - not a song

 !!!LOOK WHAT I FOUND FOR YOU LADIES!!!
Naked Times

(or who needs the Chippendales)

WARNING - THIS ARTICLE MAY BE MORE SUITABLE FOR THE FEMALE OF THE SPECIES.

More than twenty years before the baring of male bodies was commonplace due to such groups as the Chippendales, a certain actor was flaunting his charms for the delight of a female audience. I refer - of course - to William Shatner.

In approximately 25.64% of the seventy eight episodes featuring James T Kirk, one fact is very obvious to the discerning female. The handsome captain of the Enterprise often appears to us in a state of undress in a blatant attempt to glue us to the screen in breathless admiration.

More than one innocent female viewer has been trapped by the sight of him, muscled body beaded with sweat, as he becomes involved in yet another shirt-ripping sequence.

Apart from Tarzan ( and he doesn't really count) no other TV character, during the 60's,displayed his manly attractions with such frequency, and recalling some of them that small mercy is indeed thankful. Can one envision the smarmy Napoleon Solo or the weedy Ilia Kuryakin from Man from Uncle; the overweight Doug Phillips from Time Tunnel; the stiff-upper lipped Jim Phelps from Mission Impossible exposing their chests for us?

I have made a long, arduous in-depth study of Captain Kirk's Naked Times, slaving many exhausting hours over a hot VCR to research this article. Any omissions are not my fault. There is only so much one can take. The following analysis is the result.

EPISODES

1) Where No Man Has Gone Before - The power-crazy Gary Mitchell is the first antagonist to tear Kirk's shirt in a vicious fight of good versus evil. Only a bare shoulder and a glimpse of masculine pectoral are seen but that is only a taste of the delights to follow.

2) The Corbomite Manouver - A quarterly physical check-up shows us a sweating, bare-chested Kirk undergoing a tortuous fitness test in sickbay. Later he strides through the ship's corridors, his uniform tunic wrapped around his neck and NO-ONE (well trained crew that they are) even bats an eyelid! A further few moments in the turbo-lift then onto the next scene where he puts on a fresh shirt. Our JT is certainly human. He sweats, becomes irritable, and even changes his clothes!

3) The Enemy Within - The gentle Kirk (after a shower) is stretching his aching towel-clad neck when Spock arrives to question him. Spock is ill at ease, whether from the confusing conversation or his half-naked captain smiling at him is open to interpretation. Joking apart, the man's skin is so perfect it makes the average acne-suffering viewer envious. I mean, most of us at least have a few spots on our back.

4) The Naked Time - Only a brief glimpse this time when McCoy rips Kirk's shirt at the shoulder to administer a hypo shot. To my knowledge this is the only time this is done for the hypo is normally shown as able to work through layers of clothing... Perhaps the doctor is just incredibly clumsy. Sulu fans get a treat in this episode when the helmsman buckles a fine swash.

5) Charlie X - In the gymnasium, where he is wearing nothing but bright, red Starfleet issue tights and black socks, the admittedly gorgeously muscled and athletic captain tries to teach the thin, under-developed Charlie to defend himself. The physical activities and the worries caused by Charlie's powers cause a nice sweat to break out on Kirk's body and only adds to his attractiveness. (Choke, gasp...Breathe in, breathe out, Gloria. Remember that you are a Spock fan! Be still my beating heart!)

6) What are Little Girls Made Of? - The android duplication process reveals more of Captain Kirk. Covered by the restraining part of the machine (at a strategic point) we see a pair of bare legs along with the now familiar smooth, naked chest. But, there are more delights in store when that blob of goo becomes a second, naked Kirk. Too much of a good thing, girls? Oh no, I hear you say...

7) Miri - The virus that affects Kirk, causes him to become unzipped. Unlike McCoy he is not wearing a black T-shirt underneath his uniform so we see a little flesh at the join of neck and shoulder. Later there is a short glimpse of bare arms.

8) Court Martial - The fight with Finney causes another ripped shirt. What kind of material does Starfleet use anyway? It is obviously not Kirk proof! At least the collar remains intact.

9) Shore Leave - The epic fight with Finnegan produces yet another beautifully, torn shirt. This time our handsome captain becomes artfully dirty and bloody. It looks like the same ripped shirt from Court Martial but a little more ragged and the collar is still intact. Well, waste not want not...

10) Amok Time -The fight to the death with Spock ruins yet another uniform top when the lirpa slices through it. Those perfectly formed pectorals are revealed yet again.

11) Mirror, Mirror - The mirror-Kirk's uniform - a gold/green little number, sleeveless and low cut is rather revealing. It is very nice indeed and goes with his eyes. By contrast the mirror-Spock is even more covered up than usual. Oh well, we can't have everything.

12) Journey to Babel - Knifed by the Orion spy, Kirk is seen in sickbay, bare-chested but with a large pressure bandage around his torso. Too bad a band-aid wouldn't have done the trick

13) The Deadly Years - In his quarters, a bare-chested Kirk is about to put on his tunic. Has he been in the shower again? Sweating a lot again? He calls for a progress report then clutches his poor aching back.

14) A Private Little War - After the mugato bite, Kirk is lying on furs, his native jacket open while the witch woman's hands and hair wander all over his skin. (Lucky girl) All this is accompanied by chants, groans, moans, heavy breathing and sweating. Time for another shower, Jim? A cold one, perhaps?

15) The Gamesters of Triskelion - His tunic torn to bits by the whip of the toothy giant thrall, Kirk spends much of his time in a harness that barely covers his tastefully scarred chest. He woos the gorgeous Shanna (what chance does the poor woman have?) and tries to reason with the brain gamblers. (What chance did those brains have with our poker-playing captain?)

16) Patterns of Force - Stripped to the waist by the Ekosian nazis, Kirk and Spock are subjected to a whipping. Well used to our captain's charms we are now given the treat of seeing the body of our gorgeous Vulcan. Lean musculature, a touch of rib showing, a light scattering of dark hair on his chest, such a narrow waist...Gulp...swallow...yum...sigh...Quite a contrast to the chunkier Kirk. The captain soon finds something to wear but Spock --to our delight- wanders about much of the time, innocently topless. Better enjoy it, girls, as it is the one and only time during the seventy nine episodes that he appeared that we see that hairy chest. He may not be a Chippendale (or a Kirk) but he sure is stunning in his own way.

17) The Paradise Syndrome - The amnesiac, bare-chested Kirok frolicking with his lovely native wife is a charming and innocent sight. Would he have been happy to remain with her, I wonder?

18) The Empath - The Vians torture Kirk, tie him up by his wrists and his half-naked form hangs in mid-air. (Or was this his stand-in?) He sweats and moans with pain. Did they allow him a shower before they returned him to the others? I hope so. McCoy gets his shirt torn in this episode.

19) Plato's Stepchildren - Kirk's Greek style outfit is draped across his torso to reveal the right side of his manly chest. He also gets to show his legs. Spock's outfit is more modest but he shows his legs as well. Question - Who has the nicer legs?

20) Turnabout Intruder - In sickbay for a check, Lester, in Kirk's body, has to bare her/his chest. She dabs delicately at her skin with a towel, obviously unused to the copious amount of sweating that her male body is exuding. Question - Was she embarrassed about being topless?

EPISODES IN WHICH KIRK SHOULD HAVE HAD A TORN UNIFORM

1) Arena - How did the material stand against the powerful, reptilian Gorn, when ordinary human men such as Finney or Finnegan were able to tear it?

2) Space Seed - Khan with five times Kirk's strength, should have been able to rip his uniform to shreds. Oh well, Khan himself supplied enough beefcake in that particular episode.

3) The Omega Glory - The many vicious fights with Capt.Tracey and the Yangs should have proved too much for Kirk's Starfleet uniform.

4) Spock's Brain - The fight with the brutish Eymorgs should have done some damage.

AFTERWORD

There are, of course, the many episodes when our captain wore those revealing green wrap-over tunics and others when he should have shown us his attractive body, e.g. Wink of an Eye, where all we saw was his boots going on. City on The Edge of Forever, when he changed into the stolen clothes. We can't really complain though. In the male-dominated TV industry of the 60's, it was amazing that the needs of the female audience were even considered. Certainly the scantily clad female aliens and mini-skirted crew-women were a deliberate ploy to capture the male viewer and that in the 60's as in every other decade has been the norm. Star Trek, however, never forgot that half the population were women. In this, as in many other areas, Star Trek was ahead of its time.

 

Political song thread

Joains

Sung to the tune: England Swings
Roger Miller, rewritten by Joains

England flips like the UN do,
Saddam shooting scuds, two by two,
Westminster Abbey the tower of Big Ben,
What if he aims at the rosy red cheeks of the little children.

Now, if you huff and puff and you fina'lly talk enough
the states will protect your family across the sea,
Take a tip before you make your slip; let me tell you where to go, try a pub and yell
Go Saddam, Oh;

Mama's old pajamas and your papa's mustache,
Falling out the window sill, frolic in the grass,
Tryin' to mock the way they talk fun but all in vain,
Gaping at the dapper men with derby hats and canes.

Submitted by Astrogirl

Here's my political song that's actually in my textbook:
Yankee Doodle went to town
riding on a pony
stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni
Yankee Doodle keep it up
Yankee Doodle dandy
mind the music and the step and let the girls be handy

 

Submitted by Gloster Meteor

"Imagine there's no Heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people,
Living for today.....
Yaaaaahaaaaaaaa.

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
And no religion too,
Imagine all the people,
Living life in peeeeace,
Yooooooohooooooo.

You may say I'm a dreamer,
But I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will be as one.

Imagine no possessions,
Wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people,
Sharing all woooorld,
Yooooooohooooooo!

You may say I'm a dreamer,
But I'm not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one."

Submitted by * Diane *

War Pigs

Generals gathered in their masses,
just like witches at black masses.
Evil minds that plot destruction,
sorcerers of death's construction.
In the fields the bodies burning,
as the war machine keeps turning.
Death and hatred to mankind,
poisoning their brainwashed minds.
Oh lord, yeah!

Politicians hide themselves away.
They only started the war.
Why should they go out to fight?
They leave that role to the poor, yeah.

Time will tell on their power minds,
making war just for fun.
Treating people just like pawns in chess,
wait till their judgement day comes, yeah.

Now in darkness world stops turning,
ashes where the bodies burning.
No more War Pigs have the power,
Hand of God has struck the hour.
Day of judgement, God is calling,
on their knees the war pigs crawling.
Begging mercies for their sins,
Satan, laughing, spreads his wings.
Oh lord, yeah!
--Black Sabbath

 

Submitted by Joains

BLOWING IN THE WIND
Bob Dylan
adapted by Joains

How many times must a Presidaent call around, before they can see it could happen in their town
How many lies must a be told, before he sleeps a dead so cold
How many times must the scuds fly, before they are
forever banned
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

How many years must a kurd exist, before it is washed to
the sea
How many years can some people exist, before they're allowed
to be free
How many times can the UN turn it's head, and pretend that they
just doesn't see
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

How many times must a man look up, before he can't see twin towers in the sky

How many UN resolutions must one man have, before he can hear his own people
cry
How many deaths will it take till he knows, that too many
people have died
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

QUE SERA, SERA
The Joains Version

It was written by Jay Livingston
and Ray Evans with Joains


When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother, "What will I be?
Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me:

"Que sera, sera,
Ripped shirts are his you see
Whatever will be, will be;
The chest is ours to see.
Que sera, sera,
What will be, will be."


When I was just a child in school,
I asked my teacher, "What will I try?
Should I paint pictures"
Should I sing songs?"
This was her wise reply:

"Que sera, sera,
Ripped shirts are his you see
Whatever will be, will be;
The chest is ours to see.
Que sera, sera,
What will be, will be."

When I grew up and fell in love.
I asked my sweetheart, "What lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows
Day after day?"
Here's what my sweetheart said:

"Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be;
The ripped shirts you will see
Que sera, sera,
Will belong to me
Que sera, sera,
it's still Kirk's I see
What ever will be, will be.

Now I have Children of my own.
They ask their mother, "What will I be?"
Will I be handsome?
Will I be rich?"
I tell them tenderly:

"Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be;
There is only one ripped shirt to see
Que sera, sera,
it belongs to Jim and will always be
Que Sera, Sera!
The future rips are yours to see
Whatever will be, will be"

 

Rip It!

Sung to the tune:WHIP IT
DEVO
adapted by Joains


watch that ship
give the past the slip
hop on board
get on before the borg
when a fight comes along
you must rip it
before the captain fights too long
you must rip it
when something's going wrong
you must rip it
now rip it
he's in shape
rip it up
get straight
go forward
move ahead
try to rip it
it's not too late
to rip it
rip it good
when a gold shirt turns around
you must rip it
you will never live it down
unless you rip it
no one gets her way
until she rips it
i say rip it
rip it good

 

Ripped to pieces

sung to I fall to pieces
Patsy Cline
(Trisha Yearwood and Aaron Neville)
adapted by Joains


Shirts ripped to pieces
Each time I see you again
they are ripped to pieces
How can I be just your friend

You want me to act
Like we've never seen your chest
You want me to forget
Pretend we've never met
And I try and I try
But I haven't yet
You walk by and I rip your shirt to pieces

solo

Shirts ripped to pieces
Each time someone speaks your name
I rip your shirts to pieces
Time only acts to the play

You tell me to find someone else to tear
Someone who has lots of shirts
The way you used to do
But each time I go ripping a new one
You walk by and I rip your shirts to pieces

 

Saddam Bombs

to be sung in all arab speaking countries except Iraq.....

(I CAN'T GET NO) Saddam Bombs
The Rolling Stones
- words and music by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards and Joains

I can't get no Saddam Bombs, I can't get no Saddam Bombs
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm drivin' my jihad, and the man come on the radio
He's tellin' me more and more about some american information
Supposed to fire my imagination

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say
I can't get no Saddam Bombs, I can't get no Saddam Bombs
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm watchin' my TV and a man comes on and tell me
How my sucide can be
But, he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't want
to die the death with me

I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say
I can't get no Saddam Bombs, I can't get no Saddam Bombs
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm flying a plane 'round the world
And I'm doin' this and I'm signin' that
And I'm tryin' to make a building fall, some waitress who tells me
Baby, better come back maybe next year
'Cause you see I'm on aligator alley
I can't get no. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey
That's what I say. I can't get no, I can't get no
I can't get no Saddam Bombs, no Saddam Bombs
No Saddam Bombs, no Saddam Bombs

 

sans peur et sans reproche

Sung to the tune: American Pie, Parts 1 & 2

Music by Don McLean
Words by joains

A long long time ago
I can still remember how
That show used to make me smile
And I knew if they had a chance
That for 50 years or more we could dance
And maybe they'd be happy for a while
But November 1994 made me shiver
With every reviewed delivered
Bad news on the doorstep
I couldn't take one more step
I can't remember if I had known
When I read about his grave of stone
But something touched me deep inside
**The day Jim Kirk died**
So...

(Chorus)
Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

Did you write the book of trek
And do you have faith in Gene up above
If the cannon tells you so?
Now do you believe in revenge served cold?
Can a new ending save your mortal soul?
And I can teach you how to try real slow

Well, I know that we're in love with him
'cause we saw him shirtless in the gym
We all kicked off our shoes
Man, we dig those rhythm and blues
We were lonely teenage science nerds
never heard of Saddam or a kurds
But I knew We were out of luck
The day the Kirk died
I started singin'

(Chorus)
Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

Now, for 8 years we've been on our own
And Trek without Kirk is a rolling stone
But, that's not how it used to be
Now all we get is Janeway singing to a borg queen
In a ship she borrowed from the mind of Gene
And a voice that saddens you and me
Oh nd while the Gene was looking down
Rick stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
And while Spock did not write a book on Dr. Phlox
The quartet practiced in the park
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the Jim died
We were singin'

(Chorus)
Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

Helter skelter in a summer swelter
The new series flew into a fallout shelter
Low ratings and falling fast
does not remind us of the past
The network tried for a backwards pass
With Shatner on the sidelines with the old cast
Now the show smells like old perfume
While Enterprise plays out of tune
We all got up to cancel the dance
Oh, but we never got the chance
'cause the fans tried to take the field
But B & B refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the Jim died?
We started singin'

(Chorus)
Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

Oh, and there we were all in one place
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again
So come on Jim be nimble, Jim be quick
Jim come back even on a candlestick
'cause fire is the devil's only friend
And as I watched Brandon on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
No angel born in Hell
Could break that Satan's spell
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite
I saw Rick laughing with delight
The day the Jim Kirk died
He was singin'

(Chorus)
Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

I met a girl named Jo who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd bought the TV years before
But the man there said the DVD wouldn't play
And in the streets the children screamed
The posters cried, and the critics dreamed
But not a word was spoken
All the episodes were broken
And the three men I admire most-
Spock, McCoy, and even Gene-
They refused to play the scene
The day the Kirk died
And they were singing


Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

Cry , cry, all TOS fans
write Paramount about Jim having to die
Them good ole boys Brandon and Rick
killing him off and making me sick
Singin' this'll be the day that he dies
That was the day we all had to cry

 

Sarah of Borg Your Song

(Elton John/Bernie Taupin)
arranged and sung by Joains

It's a little bit funny,your feeling inside
Your not one of those, who can easily hide
You might not have much money, but boy if you did
You'd buy a big house where the AC would let you type and live

If Kirk was a sculptor, but then again no,
Or captain in an intergactic travelling show
I know these words are not much, but it's the best I can do
My wish is you sing a happy song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody, this is your song
I know life is not that simple and I know you are strong
cas' you will reach those stars before long

I hope you don't mind, I hope don't you mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful this BBS is while your posting in the ether world

I sat on a planet and invited the Borg
Well a few of the drones, well thy've manage to carry the chord
But McCoy's been quite kind while I wrote this song,
It's for people like you, that he keeps Red Shirts alive.

So excuse me forgetting, but these women Kirk talks to
I see you have forgotten, but they're green or they're blue
Anyway the things, what this song really means
Yours is one of the most human souls I've ever seen.

 

Second Saddam Song

Busted flat in Bagdad, waitin' for a colition jet
And I's feelin' near as faded as my jeans
Saddam thumbed a scud down just before it rained
It rode us all the way into Saudi
I pulled my harpoon out of my dirty red bandana
I's playin' soft while Saddam sang the blues, yeah
Windshield wipers slappin' time, I's holdin' Saddam's WMD in mine
We sang every song that driver knew, yeah

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Nothin' don't mean nothin' hon' if it ain't free, no no
And feelin' good was easy, Lord, when he played the UN
You know, feelin' good was good enough for me
Good enough for me and my Hussien

From the italian coal mine to the London sun
There Saddam shared the secrets of my soul
Through all kinds of weather, through everything we done
Yeah, His WMDs kept me from the cold
One day up near New York, Lord, I let him slip away
He's lookin' for that home and I hope he finds it
But I'd trade all o' my tomorrows for one single yesterday
To be holdin' Saddam WMD's body next to mine

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Nothin', that's all that the UN left me, yeah
But if feelin' good was easy, Lord, when he Played the UN
Hey, feelin' good was good enough for me, mm-hmm
Good enough for me and my sad Saddam

La-da-da La-da-da-da La-da-da da-da da-da
La-da-da da-la-da la-da, sad Saddam, yeah
La-da-la-da-la-da La-da-la-da-da
La-da-la-da-la-la, sad Saddam, yeah
La-da-da La-da-da La da-da La da-da
La-da-da La da-da La da-da
Hey, my UN, Lord, my Sad Saddam, yeah
Lo-da-lo da-la-lo-da-la
Lo-da-la-lo da-la-lo la-la-lo la-la-lo la-la
Hey, my UN, Lord, my sad Saddam, yeah

 WillyStoner’s reply

 here's one that's not so harsh, and you can sing
along to it.

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and
snakes, an aeroplane and Lenny Bruce is not afraid.
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world
serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs. Feed
it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength, Ladder
start to clatter with fear fight down height. Wire
in a fire, representing seven games, a government
for hire and a combat site. Left of west and coming in
a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team
by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped.
Look at that low playing! Fine, then. Uh oh,
overflow, population, common food, but it'll do. Save
yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs,
listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and
the revered and the right, right. You vitriolic,
patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty
psyched.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign
towers. Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself
churn. Locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood
letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate.
Light a candle, light a votive. Step down, step down.
Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh, this means no
fear cavalier. Renegade steer clear! A tournament,
tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions,
offer me alternatives and I decline.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

The other night I dreamt of knives, continental
drift divide. Mountains sit in a line, Leonard
Bernstein. Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester
Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You
symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right? Right.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel
fine...fine...

Dave’s reply

This is cute, had to share it !!!

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam" said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!" She drives out somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. Suddenly at a traffic light her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on collision. "ASSHOLE" she muttered. And from the radio. . . .

"Ladies and gentlemen, the former President of the United States, Mr. Bill Clinton".

 

Seven………………of Nine

Sung to the tune: Layla
Eric Clapton
(Eric Clapton and Jim Gordon)
adpated by Joains
(unplugged version)

What'll you do when you get lonely
And nobody's waiting by your mind-link?
You've been running and asimulating much too long.
You know it's just your foolish directive.

Seven, you've got Dave on his knees.
Seven, Augie's begging, darling please.
Seven, darling won't you ease Spud's worried mind.

Dave tried to give you consolation
but it was futile
When your old queen had let you down.
Irrealvantly, Augie fell in love with you,
Turned Spud's whole world upside down.

Seven, you've got Dave on his knees.
Seven, Augie's begging, darling please.
Seven, darling won't you ease Spud's worried mind.

Let's make the best of the situation
Before Paul finally goes insane.
Please don't say we'll never find a way
And tell them all their love's in vain.

Seven, you've got Dave on his knees.
Seven, Augie's begging, darling please.
Seven, darling won't you ease Spud's worried mind.

Seven, you've got Dave on his knees.
Seven, Augie's begging, darling please.
Seven, darling won't you ease Spud's worried mind.

 

Shirt of Gold

Sung to :Heart of Gold
Neil Young
Adpated by Joains

I want to live, I want to give
I've been ripping a shirt of gold
It's these expressions I never give
That keep me searching for a shirt of gold
And I'm getting old
Keeps me searching for a ripped shirt of gold
And I'm getting old

I've been to Hollywood, I've been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean for a shirt of gold
I've been in my mind, it's such a fine line
That keeps me searching for a ripped shirt of gold
And I'm getting old
Keeps me searching for a ripped shirt of gold
And I'm getting old

Keep me searching for a shirt of gold
You keep me searching for a ripped shirt of gold
And I'm getting old
I've been a ripper of his shirts of gold

 

SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE

Robert Palmer

How can it be permissible
he compromise my principle, yeah yeah
That kind of love is mythical
he's anything but typical

he's a craze you'd endorse,
he's a powerful force
You're obliged to conform when there's no other course
he used to look good to me, but now I find him
Simply irresistible, Simply irresistible

His loving is so powerful, huh
It's simply unavoidable
The trend is irreversible
The ripped shirt is invincible

he's a natural law, and he leaves me in awe
he deserves the applause, I surrender because
he used to look good to me, but now I find him
Simply irresistible, Simply irresistible

Simply irresistible (he's so fine, there's no tellin' where the money went)
Simply irresistible (he's all mine, there's no other way to go)

he's unavoidable, I'm backed against the wall /
he gives me feelings like I never felt before /
I'm breaking promises, he's breaking every law / DRUMS
he used to look good to me, but now I find him /
Simply irresistible . he's so fine, there's no tellin' where the money went
Simply irresistible he's all mine, there's no other way to go

GUITAR SOLO

His methods are inscrutable
The proof is irrefutable, Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
he's so completely kissable, huh
Our lives are indivisible

he's a craze you'd endorse, he's a powerful force
You're obliged to conform when there's no other course
he used to look good to me, but now I find him
Simply irresistible (he's so fine, there's no tellin' where the money went)
Simply irresistible (he's all mine, there's no other way to go)
Simply irresistible (he's so fine, there's no tellin' where the money went)
Simply irresistible (he's all mine, there's no other way to go)

FADE

 

Song for Paul

Shop Around
Captain & Tennille
sung for Paul by us all
Words and Music: William "Smokey" Robinson and Berry Gordy with Joains

Just because you've become a shop keeper now
There's still some things that you don't have to stop now
Before you ban some guy now
your better check his wallet for as long as you can now
My mama told me
You better let'um shop around

There's some things that I want you to know now
Just as sure as the wind's gonna blow now
The shoppers'll come and the shoppers are gonna go now
Before you tell 'em that you can't buy now
My mama told me
You better let'um shop around

Try to get yourself a bargain tribble
Don't be sold on the very first one
Good-looking green girls come a dime a dozen
Try to find you one who's gonna give you some cash now

Before you take a deal and say I'll sell now
Make sure he's got your goods now
Make sure that his lots are full now
I hate to see you feeling sad and blue now
My mama told me
You better let'um shop around

 

Song for Spock

Sung to the tune: PUFF (THE MAGIC DRAGON)
Peter, Paul & Mary
(Yarrow/Lipton)
with Joains on the GREEN TAMBOURINE


Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree

Little Jimmy Kirk loved that rascal Spock,
and brought him tricorders and sensor scans and other fancy stuff. Oh!

(Chorus, twice)Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree
Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree

Together they would travel on a starship with a warp nacelle
Jimmy kept a phaserlock with Spock's science station,
Noble klingons and romulans would bow whene'er they came,
Orion Pirate ships would lower their flag when Spock roared out the Enterprise name. Oh!

(Chorus)Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree

A vulcan lives 200 years but not so B&B Captains
Away missions and saving mankind made way for TJ Hooker toys.
One grey night it happened, Jimmy Kirk came no more
And Spock that stoic vulcan, he ceased his acting chores.

His head was bent in sorrow, copper blood fell like rain,
Spock no longer went to play along the Sha Ka Ree lane.
Without his life-long friend, Spock could not be brave,
So Spock that stoic vulcan sadly slipped into his retirement fame. Oh!

(Chorus, softly)Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree
(Chorus, loudly)Spock, the stoic vulcan lived by the sea
And frolicked in the cosmic mist in a land called Sha Ka Ree

 

Spacedock Enterprise

Sung to the tune of HOTEL CALIFORNIA
The Eagles
(D. Felder, D. Henley, G. Frey)
with a rewrite from Joains

In a dark emptyt galaxy, collected gases in his hair
Warm smell of burning neutrons rising up through muck they called air
Up ahead in the distance, he saw a shimmering light
His head grew heavy, and his sight grew dimmer
He had to stop for the night
There stood Sarah of Borg in the doorway;
He heard the away mission bell
And was thinking to himself,
'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then Astrogirl lit up a phaser and DianaG showed him the way
There were voices down the corridor, he thought he heard them say...

Welcome to the Spacedock, Enterprise
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Plenty of room at the Spacedock, Enterprise
Any tear in time, you can find it here

Anja's mind is Tiffany-twisted, Diane got lots of starship friends
Laura's had a lot of petty, petty ensigns, that she has had to call their next of kin
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
He danced to remember, she danced to forget
So Hart called up the Captain, 'Please bring me my klingon wine'
Spock said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since 1969'
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Spacedock, Enterpise
Such a lovely race (such a lovely face)
We're livin' it up at the Spacedock, Enterprise
What a nice surprise, bring your loving eyes

Mirrors on the bridge, the roumlan ale on ice
And Joains said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own time device'
And in the captain's quarters, they gathered for the feast
They pull at it with their warm hands, but they just can't rip the shirt with ease
Last thing he remembers, He was running for the door
He had to find the passage back to the place he was before
'Relax' said Sueinbrum, Claudia and Peg are programed to recieve.
He can check out any time he wants, but he can never leave.

Welcome to the spacedock, Enterprise......

 

Sundown or Littlestar


Gordon Lightfoot and Joains

Sung by the 'Captain'

I can see her lyin' back in her faded dress
In a room where ya do what ya don't confess
Littlestar ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' 'round my bare chest
Littlestar ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' 'round my bare chest
She's bin lookin' like a queen in a starship captain's dream
And she always says what she really means
Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain
Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain

I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in her lovin' was my first mistake
Littlestar ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' 'round my bare chest
Sometimes I think it's a sin
When I feel like I'm winnin' when I'm losin again

I can see her lookin' fast in her faded jeans
She's a hard lovin' woman, even if she ain't green
Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain
Littlestar ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' 'round my bare chest
Littlestar ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' 'round my bare chest
Sometimes I think it's a sin
When I feel like I'm winnin' when I'm losin' again

 

Take It Easy and Shirtless
The Eagles with Joains

Well I'm a runnin' down the sector try'n to loosen his shirt
I've got seven Kirks on my mind
Four that wanna beam me, two that wanna scan me
One says he's a friend of mine
Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of my own heart drive me crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to throw your shirt, and take it easy
Well, I'm a standin' on a star in Sector 3
Such a fine sight to see
It's a Jim my lord in a small shuttle
Slowin' down to take a look at me
Come on, baby, don't say maybe
I gotta know if your shirtless love is gonna save me
We may lose and we may win, though we may never be here again
So open up I'm climbin' in, so take it easy
Well, I'm a runnin' down the sector tryin' to loosen his shirt
Got a universe of trouble on my mind
Lookin' for a lover who won't blow my cover,
he's not that hard to find
Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of my own heart make me crazy
Come on baby, don't say maybe
I gotta know of your shirtless love is gonna save me

 

Dave’s reply

 I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.
--L. Armstrong

 

Telephone help line

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are passive-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you are codependent, please press 2 for the passive-dependent person.
If you are manic-depressive, press 0 gently, then 9 hard, then 0 gently, then 9 hard.
If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7 followed by ####.
If you have borderline personality disorder, press 8 for help, then hang up. Call back immediately raging about being ignored. Then began crying and apologize profusely for losing your temper. Repeat process.
If you are paranoid or delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line and we'll trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

 

The Impossible Dream

This one is for Sue.....to sing!

Play by Dale Wasserman
Music by Mitch Leigh
Lyrics by Joe Darion & Joains

Sung by Sueinbrum


To dream the impossible dream
To rip the almost unripable shirt
To bear the totaly bearable chest
To run fingers where the brave dare not go.

To right the unrightable wrong
To be better far than you are
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable chest.
This is my quest, to caresss that chest,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right without question or pause,
To be willing to march into Paramount for a heavenly chest!
And I know if I'll only be true to this glorious quest
That my heart will race before I'm laid to my rest.
And the world will be better for this
That one woman tired and covered with scars
Still strove with her last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable chest.

The Thunder Rolls
Garth Brooks
Written for ripped shirt Friday by Joains

Ten thirty in the morning,
Not a ripped shirt in sight,
The city's looking like a ghost town
On a stormy Isidore night.

Raindrops on the viewscreen,
There's a storm moving in.
He's heading back from somewhere
That he never should have been.

And the thunder rolls.
And the thunder rolls.

Every alarm is chirping
In a ship across town.
She's pacing by the comm channel
In her rhinestone padded gown.

Asking for a miracle,
Hoping she's not right.
Praying it's the weather
That's kept the Captain out all night.

And the thunder rolls.
And the thunder rolls.

CHORUS
The thunder rolls, and the lightning strikes.
Another shirt hits the floor, on a sleepless night.
As the storm rolls on, out of control.
Deep in her heart, the thunder rolls.

She's waiting by the viewport
When his ship kills the hyper-drive.
She rushes out to hold him
Thankful he's alive.

With all air rushing into the airlock
A strange new perfume blows,
And the lightning flashes in her eyes,
And he knows that she knows about the green women

And the thunder rolls.
And the thunder rolls.

 

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

 

"Wildfire"
song written by Larry Cansler and Michael Martin
Murphey (adapted by peg, sung by Jim Kirk)


She comes down from her own starship
On a dark, straight path she flies
In a shuttle she named Wildfire
With a phaser by her side
On a cold long Iowa night

Oh, they say she cried one winter
When new orders came across
And the shuttle she named Wildfire
Sailed out of it's dock
In a time warp it was lost

She ran calling Wildfire
She ran calling Wildfire
She ran calling Wildfire

By the dark of the moon I stargazed
And there came a sound so low
There's been a Arcturan-owl howling by my window now
For six nights in a row
She's coming for me, I know
And on Wildfire we're both gonna go

We'll be ridin' Wildfire
We'll be ridin' Wildfire
We'll be ridin' Wildfire

On Wildfire we're gonna ride
Gonna leave spacefarin' behind
Get these hard times right on out of our minds
Riding Wildfire

 

And nicked a pic to be displayed for Sarah of Borg